Weekly World News alert: Strange new pet... CatDog!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 1 August 2011

The Weekly World News is trying to work the old magic with a pretty lame photoshop of a CatDog.

I saw this cartoon. It kinda sucked. I mean, it's no Invader Zim.

Weekly World News alert: CIA's new weapon against terror: Ellen's cupcakes!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! This headline was almost good enough to make me open the magazine. The CIA is fighting terror using Ellen DeGeneres' cupcakes!

I looked online and, wonder of wonders, this story is almost true! It's actually MI6, the British intelligence agency, who replaced a sugar-based bomb instruction set with Ms. DeGeneres's cupcake recipe.

OMG, the Weekly World News almost tells the whole truth. I have to re-think all my pre-conceptions about Batboy and the alien who endorses presidential candidates now.

Weekly World News alert: John the Baptist's sandals found!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 11 July 2011

The Weekly World News goes all New Testament on our butts this week, stating the sandals of John the Baptist have been found and they are healing the sick.

People familiar with the stories of John will recall he was kind of a wild street preacher, and paintings from the Middle Ages until today almost always depict him as barefooted, including this one I nicked off the Internet. Moreover, given the way he died, it's hard to believe the people who killed him took special care to preserve his garments.

Still, it's in the Weekly World News, so it must be true.

(Psych.)

Weekly World News alert: Dead cat's ghostly warning saves dying tot!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 4 July 2011

Two stories this week from the Weekly World News, which is the first time since the beginning of last year they were allowed two headlines on the cover of the Sun. As you can read, the ghost of a dead cat saved a dying tot.

For the most part, living cats pretty much avoid tots, dying or otherwise, because these small humans do not understand the concept of "can opener". But if we believe this story, when cats become ghosts they evolve into more loving creatures with a deep regard for all living things.

In other words, when cats reach the next step in karmic consciousness, they become dogs.

Weekly World News alert: Titanic survivor want to be returned to deserted island!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 4 July 2011

The Weekly World News has two headlines this week, which is a good thing because Nostradamus isn't giving any specific dates on the cover, so no Skeeter Davis Alert™. This week they say a Titanic survivor wants to be returned to her deserted island because "I can't stand another day of civilization!"

While I understand the sentiment, I would like to point out a few historical facts to the tabloid readers with double digit IQs.

1. The Titanic sunk in 1912, not 1997 when the movie was made.
2. The Titanic sunk in the frigid north Atlantic, not the balmy south Pacific. If any lifeboat made it to a deserted island, it would be a miserable, hard-scrabble existence like Shackelton, not a fun adventure like Robinson Crusoe or Gilligan's Island.

Sorry to spoil the fun with boring stuff like math and geography.

Weekly World News alert: Noah's Ark found in Bermuda Triangle!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 27 June 2011

While this does not reach the heights of "Bat Boy Found In Cave!", putting Noah's Ark and the Bermuda Triangle in the same story shows a little initiative from the Weekly World News writers and I applaud them for it.

They also added the tagline "And you'll never guess what they found on board!"

About that they are correct. I'll never guess.

Weekly World News Alert: Al Qaeda wants to name 9/11 "Osama Day".

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 20 June 2011

While the Obama administration is not touting the murder of Osama Bin Laden every chance they get, the AMI gossip rags are. This week, it's the Weekly World News telling us Al Qaeda wants to rename Setpember 11 "Osama Day".

Weekly World News alert: NASA finds "Space Odyssey" monument on Mars!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 13 June 2011

According to the Weekly World News, NASA is an incredibly well funded and efficient organization that has discovered amazing things about our neck of the solar system. This week, they have spotted a monument on Mars that looks remarkably like the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

I can understand the attraction of living in a world with such wonders. I just can't pay for the ticket to move there.

Weekly World News Alert: A promise of no pictures of Lindsay Lohan inside.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!

The Weekly World News has a cute gag headline about a promise to have no pictures of Lindsay Lohan in their magazine this week, with a picture of LiLo on the cover where she is running from paparazzi and barely visible.

I think the gag would be funnier if they had named a real tabloid gossip star like Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock, Kim Kardashian or Angelina Jolie, but still, it's a cute little joke.

Weekly World News alert: Hunter captures talking Bigfoot.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 23 May 2011

The Weekly World News has had a lot of semi-reality based headlines over the past few weeks, shying away from the magical and wacky stories that endeared them to goofy aging hipsters such as myself and Padre Mickey back in the day. But this week, they return to their roots with a story about a hunter finding a talking Bigfoot and the two becoming best buddies.

Bonus points for anyone who knows the story behind the picture I nicked.

Weekly World News alert: Guess who Barack Hussein Aloha Obama is related to?

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 9 May 2011

The Sun has a prediction this week, but no dates on the cover, so I'm only reporting on what the Weekly World News has to say. According to them, the Only President We've Got is related to...

Sarah Palin, the queen of the I-Quit-arod.

Not an actual laugh, but I did smile.

Weekly World News alert: Princess Diana is alive and hiding in the U.S.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 2 May 2011

After going far afield to do an End of the World story last week, the Weekly World News is back to doing what they do best, making up preposterous crap about dead people.

Princess Di is alive, hiding in the U.S. and will only be able to watch her son's wedding on basic cable, assuming she can afford it.

Skeeter Davis Alert™: End of the World postponed three years!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 25 April 2011

The Weekly World News and the Sun, allegedly two different editorial staffs sharing the same pages, got their wires crossed this week. The Sun has a story about the JFK assassination and the Weekly World News has a headline about the end of the world.

The Weekly World News tells us that someone who predicted the apocalypse has come out and changed the date by three years.

Let me admit a weakness. This headline made me open the tabloid, something I do not do on general principles. The person changing his mind was some off brand preacher from Alabama who said the end of the world would be in 2010, who now says the correct date is 2013.

Just to be clear, it was NOT Dr. Harold Camping changing his mind. He still says the Rapture will take place on May 21, 2011.

Of course, he also predicted it would be September 6, 1994, and when that day came and went incident free, he pushed the date back to March 1995. After his second swing and miss, the good Doctor said "The Lord has decided to tarry."

In the immortal words of Rocket J. Squirrel, "But that trick NEVER works."

Weekly World News alert: Alien kept alive in Area 51!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 18 April 2011

Someone at the Weekly World News doesn't read the Weekly World News. They tell us an alien is being kept alive in Area 51.

Boooooo-rrrrring!!!!!!

In the Weekly World News, it's a given that there are living aliens. They have to do fun stuff like endorse Ross Perot or hang out with Michelle Obama.

I'd give them a failing grade, but I'm feeling generous and I'll make it an incomplete instead.