I feel about Teen Mom the way Jan Brady felt about Marcia.

Publications: In Touch, OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Teen Mom nonsense abides. I report with no further comment.

• OK!: Maci & Kyle Split: She's still in loved with Ryan
• In Touch: Teen Mom dating disasters!
  In love with cheaters, druggies and a killer!
  Leah: Since Corey left, she's hooking up with three different guys!
  Farrah: Can't stop crying over new violent bad boy
  Maci: Wedding on hold! Why her ex Ryan is to blame
  
  

Let's get the Teen Mom crap out of the way. Because there's a boat load this week.

Publications: In Touch, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If you have been to this blog before, you know how I feel about Teen Mom. It would be nearly impossible for me to be clearer, though I will take a shot at the end of this post. But at the beginning of the year, I promised that any story on the cover of any magazine that mentioned someone or made a verifiable (or falsifiable) prediction would get a mention on this blog.

About the only thing I leave out are health tips and horoscopes on the cover of the Sun.

So here are the headlines, three on the different mags and with three different Teen Moms in focus.

• In Touch: Teen Mom ruined our lives (pictures of Farrah Abraham and Maci Bookout)
  anorexia, addiction and abuse
  living on cigarettes and popcorn to lose weight
  downing pills to mask the pain
  "bribed" to stay on the show
• Us Weekly: I want Kyle's Baby (Maci Bookout)
• OK!: Leah: a new man and a new child

I know I shouldn't harp on this stuff or I will just give myself an aneurysm, but the "bribe" to stay on the show is that these stupid girls - and they are still girls - are being paid the princely sum of $280,000 a season to have their stupid lives turned into fish bowls.

That's an obscene amount of money to pay some little bimbo for the mistake of having a baby before she graduates high school. (And yes, Bristol Palin gets included in this tirade as well, even though MTV isn't paying her.) No defense MTV makes for this show carries a milligram of weight, and the gossip rags that keep printing this shit are equally as guilty.

In a world that makes sense, people wouldn't watch this crap and magazines wouldn't write about it.

Getting the Teen Mom stuff out of the way for 11 July.

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 July 2011

Three Teen Mom stories this week, two about the failure named Amber Portwood and one about the relative success named Catelynn Lowell. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Losing Leah: After rehab, Amber fears she'll never see her baby again.
• In Touch: Amber's tears: "My baby doesn't know me"
• Weekly Life & Style: Teen Mom Catelynn: College, wedding and babies
  
  

Meanest Story nominee: Amber's deathbed confession!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 July 2011

Anyone who has read this blog before knows how much I dislike the entire concept of the reality show Teen Mom. Since I haven't watched it, I don't have a least favorite star of this show, but having read headlines, it seems like Amber Portwood is one of the most disagreeable.

It is my fond wish that these young women would not be on TV, but I'm not wishing them dead.

In Touch uses the word "deathbed" in a cover story about Amber Portwood. She did attempt suicide, but it wasn't anywhere near a successful attempt, so it wasn't really a "deathbed confession".

The gossip rags have only used the word "deathbed" in three cases prior to this in the last eighteen months. They have used it to describe Elizabeth Edwards and Elizabeth Taylor after they died, and they used it in a story about Zsa Zsa Gabor when it looked like she was going to die.

Zsa Zsa is 93. Amber is 21. Claiming Zsa Zsa was on her deathbed can be listed as an honest mistake.

This, on the other hand, is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Getting the inevitable Teen Mom stuff out of the way yet again.

Publication: OK!
Date: 27 June 2011

Teen Mom, or as i like to call it, The Plague That Did Not Pass Over, gets more ink on the cover of OK! this week. Here are the headlines.

• Maci: I'm finally a bride
  Excited Maci exclaims, "This is the happiest day of my life!"
  Leah gets custody of the twins

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Teen Mom Laci plans to elope.

Publication: OK!
Date: 20 June 2011

Another story from the Teen Mom locust swarm, this one saying Maci Bookout will elope.

This is the second most popular reality TV show among The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this year, with only Dancing With The Stars, currently between seasons, getting more weeks of exposure. The good news, if I can call it that, is that the show is mainly being followed by two magazines, OK! and In Touch. In the unlikely event of the editors at those two magazines losing interest in this crap, this plague might finally pass over.

Getting the inevitable Teen Mom stuff out of the way.

Publication: OK!
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The two worst offenders when it comes to cover stories about the awful young women on Teen Mom are OK! and In Touch. This week it's the former, with the headline "new feuds, babies and a bride" and pictures of Maci Bookout, Amber Portwood and Farrah Abraham.

It continues to be the plague that did not pass over.

Love Bird Alert™: Teen Mom Leah dating her ex's friend

Publication: In Touch

Date: 6 June 2011

Regular readers will know that I consider Teen Mom the plague that did not pass over. Thankfully, there is only one story about these stupid young women on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, a story about Leah dating the ex of a friend of hers.

Unless there is some flurry of stories about real celebrities, with Arnold and Maria are the best candidates currently, some Teen Mom is very likely to be in the top ten celebrities for 2011 for the foreseeable future.

Let's get the Teen Mom crap out of the way early.

Publication: OK!
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The good news is that only one gossip rag has Teen Mom crap on their cover this week. The bad news is that we can't get rid of this plague, which among reality TV shows is only surpassed by Dancing With The Stars for interest from the Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

I don't watch Dancing With The Stars, but at least I understand how someone could watch it. This show's appeal mystifies me completely. Anyway, here are the headlines.

• Leah's shock: Another Teen Mom Baby
  exclusive interview
  PLUS Corey starts a second family with a new woman and child
  Jenelle's rehab diary: "It's a nightmare."
  

Demon Something Alert™: Jenelle Evans goes to rehab.

Publication: OK!
Date: 23 May 2011

Last week was so chock full of royal wedding stuff, it was blissfully Teen Mom free. The pessimist in me knew it couldn't last and once again he was proven right.

Jenelle Evans is heading to rehab. You mean her nasty, erratic behavior has something to do with artificial ingredients? I am shocked and stunned.

No, wait... what's the opposite and shocked and stunned? Whatever it is, that's what I am.

Bun in the oven alert™?: Teen Mom Leah's pregnancy shocker!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 9 May 2011

One good result of all the royal wedding coverage is less space on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter for Teen Mom. Over the past eight weeks, there have been at least two Teen Mom stories per week in the supermarket rags, but this week only one, a "pregnancy shocker" involving Leah Messer.

Readers should be advised that the words "shocker" and "drama" on the cover quite often mean the story inside is the opposite of what you expect.

Again with the Teen Mom crap. Like a baby's diaper, it's never over.

Publications: OK!, Us Weekly, In Touch
Date: 2 May 2011

Some day, the long national nightmare that is MTV's Teen Mom will end.

Today is not that day.

Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Leah & Corey: Fight for the twins
  The explosive secrets that will decide custody
  Leah catches Corey in the act
  Out-of-control partying
  The attack she just can't forgive
  Kailyn Maci Catelynn: Three Teen Mom weddings
• In Touch: Corey hits Leah! Now, terrified, she demands full custody
  Jenelle abandons Jace to bail out her drug addict boyfriend
• Us Weekly: Corey's betrayal
  
  

Did I ever say how much I hate the concept and execution of this show? I think I did.

All the entirely too much Teen Mom dish for 25 April.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 25 April 2011

As should be clear by now, there is no cure for Teen Mom. It is a sexually transmitted disease like herpes or HIV and there's nothing we can do about it. Here are the three supermarket rag headlines about these awful people and their awful problems.

• OK!: Leah dumped by Corey and he's taking the twins
  A fight of money and a bigger house was the final straw - now he's filing for divorce
• In Touch: Leah splits with Corey! Catches him taking the money for Ali's medical bills to buy a new truck!
  Maci's getting married (some guy named Kyle)
• Weekly Life & Style: Teen Mom Jenelle: Baby # 2 for fame
  

All the Teen Mom dish for 18 April.

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 18 April 2011

If you want proof that the prayers of unbelievers don't work, I submit for your approval that Teen Mom is still on the air and The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are still obsessed with the show. When I instituted the policy that reality TV shows would get mentioned whether I liked them or not, I thought I was going to be hip deep in Jersey Shore, and commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive thought it would be Real Housewives 24/7.

There has been one mention of Snooki, nine stories about the Housewives and this is the 23rd story with the label Teen Mom.

Well, let's get it over with.

• OK!: (pictures of Jenelle and Leah) Who's pregnant with triplets!
  Who's hoping another baby will save their relationship
  PLUS: Amber and Gary reunite
• In Touch: (pictures of Leah and Kailyn) Leah's miracle - baby Ali's first steps
  Kailyn's pregnancy scare

All the Teen Mom dish for 11 April.

Publications: Star, OK!, In Touch
Date: 11 April 2011

There are a lot of reality shows on a lot of channels, but there are only a handful that the supermarket rags cannot leave alone: The Kardashians, Kendra, Dancing With The Stars, The Bachelor and Teen Mom. There is an occasional mention of American False Idol, and a scattershot of Real Housewives, but the five mentioned above are the ones that show up regularly, week in and week out. This week, there are three stories about the Teen Mom cast, and I post all of them here.

• OK!: Teen Mom catfights and drama
• In Touch: Teen moms addicted to surgery - implants, lipo and nose jobs!
  How Jenelle, Leah and Maci are falling victim to the pressures of fame
  Plus: Amber's $50,000 nip/tuck
• Star: Teen Mom brawl Jenelle and Brittany
  punching, scratching, biting