Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: More trouble in paradise over Brad's mystery woman.

Publication: OK!
Date: 1 August 2011

OK! is following up on their story from two weeks ago that Brad Pitt is flirting with some woman on the set of World War Z, a movie he is filming in Malta. She is an assistant and not an actress and it's allegedly causing a kerfuffle. Even at the OK! website, she does not have a name. Here are the new headlines.

• Angie can't take it: Brad's mystery woman!
• Shocking new photos inside
• They flaunt their happiness in public
• What she did to win Brad's trust
• Why Brad can't stop seeing her
  

Love Bird Alert™: Elin Nordegren dating again!

Publication: People
Date: 1 August 2011

The gossip rags have pretty much forgotten about Tiger Woods, but here's People (of all people) letting us know that Elin Nordegren has decided she doesn't have to enter a convent just because she found out she married a man slut.

Good for her and better luck this time, hon.

Love Bird Alert™:Bachelor Brad wants Emily back!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

The supermarket rags have lost interest in the current season of The Bachelorette, but they are still harping on Brad and Emily from earlier this year.

She dumped him. Read any of the mags. Dumped, dumped, dumped.

He wants her back.

Dude, what part of "ship has sailed" don't you understand?

Love Bird Alert™:Charlize and Ryan secretly dating

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! There are two different stories about Ryan Reynold this week in the supermarket rags, and I think these aren't planted crap hoping to boost the box office of Green Lantern, which is now a month old and about to slip out of the top ten. No, the gossip rags have decided to turn Mr. Reynolds into a man slut along the lines of Gerard Butler.

Welcome to gossip hell, Charlize Theron! Us Weekly tells us that Ryan is secretly dating the South African born beauty. This is her first mention on the cover of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter in two years. In the post just below this one, Weekly Life & Style says Reynolds is trying to get back with his ex Scarlett Johansson.

This is classic man slut behavior, or more likely, a classic example of the gossip rags trying to turn a guy into a man slut. It's a pretty good bet when two stories like this appear in the same week, there are going to be more on the way.

Love Bird Alert™:Scarlett & Ryan back on!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Ryan Reynolds is not a big movie star yet. His name above the title is not a promise of ticket sales. But the supermarket rags are fascinated with love life, so he is one of the biggest male gossip stars. Weekly Life & Style says he and ex-wife Scarlett Johannson are giving it another shot, at least for the time being.

This story is contradicted by another story this week.

Least interesting cover story of the week: Justin and Jessica dating again!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Us Weekly has a headline with no artwork, so I don't include a picture either. In this case, I think they don't have artwork not to be cheap, but to have kind of a "guess who?" situation. When they write "Justin and Jessica dating again!", you have to ask "Which Justin?" and "Which Jessica?"

These are very popular names in the gossip world.

We can eliminate Justin Theroux and Justin Bieber, since neither of them has a particularly famous ex-girlfriend. This leaves us with Justin Timberlake, who has squired many well known women, but the most obviously Jessica would be Jessica Biel in this case.

No need to be amazed, Watson. It was elementary.

Love Bird Alert™ and hussy alert: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Star, In Touch
Date: 11 July 2011

Eventually, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux will be together long enough to have a nice picture of them together. As it stands, they are always being photobombed in one way or another. (The person you can see who seems to be annoying them is Jason Sudelkis.)

In any case, there are three stories in the supermaket rags about them this week. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen & Justin Romantic NYC weekend
• In Touch: Justin & Jen talking marriage
• Star: Justin & Jen: his jilted ex speaks out

Ah, the good old predictable Star. No punch bowl is complete unless there's a turd in it.

Love Bird Alert™: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

Jennifer Aniston's love life is still an evergreen story in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and now that they all agree she has a new fella, expect her to get cover stories all throughout the summer. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen's romance heats up
• OK!: Jen & Justin engagement news
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen: "I am not a home wrecker!"
• Us Weekly: How Jen stole her man
  They're wearing matching rings and he's moved in - Jen's falling hard and fast for Justin Theroux. But did she pull an Angelina to find her new love?

A couple notes. People avoids the homewrecker angle on the cover. They use the phrase "heats up" a lot. A few months back, George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis were "heating up", and you can see how much that means.

OK!, the magazine that jumps the gun in nearly every situation, already has them engaged. The other two are just being mean.

I said that Jen's love life is a favorite story in the gossip rags and obviously it is, but it's also obvious that she is interesting because her life brushed up against Angelina Jolie, the Most Interesting Woman In The World as far as the gossip industry is concerned. Us Weekly reminds us of this obvious fact in the headline, mentioning Angie when she is nowhere near this story.

Love Bird Alert™: Chris Brown and Rihanna hook up!

Publication: Star
Date: 30 June 2011

If we are to believe Star, always a risky proposition, Chris Brown, the pop singer who became the exactly wrong kind of super famous for beating up his then girlfriend Rihanna, has "hooked up" with her again in the recent past.

Just for the record, when the young people say "hook up", they don't mean get together for a cup of coffee.

All this week's news about Pippa Middleton

Publications: Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

I thought Pippa Middleton was going to be a flash in the pan, especially here in the United States after the wedding was over, but the editors of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have other ideas. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Harry & Pippa! Their love secrets
  As rumors swirl of a secret date between Harry & Pippa, she leaves her boyfriend and steps out with secret royal
• Weekly Life & Style: Pippa upgrades to a millionaire
• In Touch: Pippa & Harry Secret Date!

According to British sources, she hasn't left her longtime boyfriend Alex Loudon, a guy who hasn't made it to the covers of the American gossip rags yet.

Love Bird Alert™ with a side order of hairdresser: Jen and Justin move forward!

Publications: National Enquirer, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 27 June 2011

More stories about Jen and Justin. Us Weekly called them "Justifer" on their website. I pray to Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus that doesn't catch on. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Jen & Justin moving in!
• OK!: Jen & Justin: Moving too fast!
• National Enquirer: Jen discovers new boyfriend's gay secret
  

Do you notice a subtle difference in the editorial choices? I thought you might.

Love Bird Alert™: Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis: It's on!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

Who is Justin Timberlake shagging this week? If we accept this story in Weekly Life & Style and their public groping at the MTV Movie Awards last week, he's shagging Mila Kunis.

Of course, they have a movie called Friends With Benefits coming out next month, so this all could just be Planted Crap.

Love Bird Alert™: Stories of wedded bliss about Wills'N'Kate.

Publications: People, Us Weekly
Date: 20 June 2011

Two stories about the Royal Couple this week, neither of them in the mean magazines owned by AMI, so both have a positive spin. Here are the headlines.

• People: Kate & Will - The newlyweds step out!
• Us Weekly: Their new home! Will & Kate's Royal Life
  

Love Bird Alert™: More about Justin and Jen!

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 20 June 2011

Right now, all the supermarket rags are in agreement that Jennifer Aniston is dating Justin Theroux. In Touch and Star both have headlines about America's favorite spinster.

• In Touch: Pal lashes out: "Jen's a homewrecker!"
• Star: Jen & Justin move in!

It is a slight surprise that the meaner story is in the magazine NOT part of the AMI kennel, but even in the supermarket rags there is a surprise every now and then.

Love Bird Alert™: How Leo won Blake's heart.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 13 June 2011

There were three stories about new couple Leonardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively last week. There is only one this week. Here are the headlines.

• Candlelit dinners, helicopter rides and a private yacht
• DiCaprio pulls out all the stops to woo his sexy crush
  
  

Love Bird Alert™?: Justin and Ashley SHOCKING new couple?

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 13 June 2011

Welcome to gossip hell 2011, Ashley Olsen! The twins from Full House are sitting on a pile of cash, but they still manage to look miserable and possibly drug-addled in every picture I see of them. For a change of pace, Ashley is romantically linked with all-star man slut Justin Timberlake, though his publicist has already denied it.

Even Us Weekly showed they didn't completely buy the story, putting a question mark on it and calling the couple "shocking". My read of the situation is that after breaking up with Britney, Justin swore off steaming hot messes and instead prefers women who are just steaming hot.

There are boatloads of them in Hollywood.

Love Bird Alert™?: Jen and Brad's emotional reunion!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 13 June 2011

The supermarket rags never tire of America's favorite spinster, Jennifer Aniston. While most of the stories over the past few weeks have focused on her new fella Justin Theroux, In Touch spins a tale about the big fish that got away, Brad Pitt. Here are the headlines.

• Betraying Angelina, Brad pours his heart out to Jen on May 18
• Plus: the expensive gift he bought her and their plan to meet again
  
  

Love Bird Alert™: Rob and Kristen living like newlyweds.

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 June 2011

OK!, the nicest of the gossip rags if not the most reliable, wants us to know the real life romance of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is going along swimmingly.

If they break up some short while after the last of the Twilight movies becomes available on DVD, I for one will not be surprised.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Scarlett trapped in Sean's dirty divorce.

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 6 June 2011

Star writes that Scarlett Johansson is trapped inside Sean Penn's divorce proceedings. In point of fact, the divorce from Robin Wright Penn was finalized last August, so she's really trapped in a nasty post-divorce situation.

I've been so creeped out by this story, I didn't do the math for the Sophisticated French Rule, which says that an older person may date a younger person if the younger party is more than half the elder's age plus seven. Sean Penn is 50 and Scarlett Johansson is 26, so this is a massive fail of the Sophisticated French Rule. To give you an idea of how bad this is, ten years from now when he is 60 and she is 36, she's still too young for him.

Ick.

Love Bird Alert™: Teen Mom Leah dating her ex's friend

Publication: In Touch

Date: 6 June 2011

Regular readers will know that I consider Teen Mom the plague that did not pass over. Thankfully, there is only one story about these stupid young women on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, a story about Leah dating the ex of a friend of hers.

Unless there is some flurry of stories about real celebrities, with Arnold and Maria are the best candidates currently, some Teen Mom is very likely to be in the top ten celebrities for 2011 for the foreseeable future.