On the rocks alert: The J. Lo - Marc Anthony break-up takes center stage.

Publications: People, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Star, Us Weekly, National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Easily the biggest story of the week is the divorce of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony with mentions on seven of ten supermarket rag covers. Here are the headlines.

• People: : J. Lo and Marc Anthony: Their marriage explodes
  The real story
  Their constant fighting
  rumors of infidelity
  jealousy issues
  what's next?
• OK!: J Lo's divorce shocker!
  Marc's been seeing his sexy ex-wife!
• In Touch: J. Lo's agony
  Marc's jealous rage
• Star: Inside J. Lo's bitter $250 million divorce
  Sexless nights
  Other women, other men
  Final screaming match
• Weekly Life & Style: $300 M divorce
  The cheating rumors that tore them apart
• Us Weekly: Cheating and Lies
  Her side of the story
  Marc caught with stewardess
  Screaming fights about flirting with costars
  A secret e-mail to Ben Affleck
  His desperate need to control her
• National Enquirer: J. Lo caught!
  Did this photo end their marriage?
  

Real Housewife Teresa: "I'm terrified of being poor."

Publication: In Touch
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Real Housewife Teresa Giudice is still the focus of the women chosen from the New Jersey version, now that her husband is going to jail and she is filing for bankruptcy. Here are the headlines.

• The truth about their shocking debt
• Bullied by "friends" for being broke
• Her marriage crisis: "I hope my girls never have to rely on a man."
  
  

There are also smaller pictures of 11 other housewives who are going broke. Names are not included, so I'm not sure who they are. I'm sure Karen Zipdrive could look at all the pictures and identify them, but that sounds like work and I wouldn't make her do that.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: Teresa gets Botox and a butt lift.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 25 July 2011

The supermarket checkout rags not owned by AMI - People, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly and In Touch - don't beat up real celebrities as much as the AMI publications do, because they actually get interviews and they need to keep access. On the other hand, they don't have to worry about access to reality TV stars, because the shows make certain they can get publicity, whether positive or negative. Because they do not fear reality TV stars, the magazines can tell as many negative stories as they want.

Right now, the most exploited sitting ducks are a whole mess of young girls from Teen Mom, the silly publicity hounds on The Bachelor/Bachelorette and Teresa Guidice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Once again, she is mocked for having yet more plastic surgery.

She Fought The Law (and won) Alert™: A passel of Casey Anthony stories.

Publications: National Enquirer, National Examiner, Globe, Star, In Touch
Date: 25 July 2010

If we ignore the Sun, which is usually about the end of the world, the five meanest gossip rags are the other four published by AMI (National Enquirer, the low rent Examiner, Globe, Star) and In Touch. All five of those have Casey Anthony stories this week. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Casey and her lawyer: getting physical!
• National Examiner: Casey Anthony verdict: what do you think?
• Globe: Casey Anthony marked for death!
  Chilling threat targets Monster Mom
• Star: Casey Anthony ca$hing in (OUTRAGE!)
• National Enquirer: Casey Anthony Wedding Bombshell
  Secret new life of America's most hated woman
  Another baby to replace Caylee
  $50K plastic surgery makeover
  Where she'll live and more

For a little outrage overspill, the Enquirer has a picture of the judge in the case and a story from his mistress blabbing about his cheating.

This is a lot of stories, but only counts as a single week's coverage by my way of counting. We will see if she remains gossip-worthy as the year continues.

Bun in the oven alert: Reese: baby news!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 18 July 2011

Reese Witherspoon was not a big star in the tabloids last year, but her marriage to Jim Toth was a popular topic in early 2011. Of course, the logical progression of these stories is the preparation of the wedding, the wedding itself, the honeymoon and then the pregnancy rumors.

Reese's story is now in the pregnancy rumor phase.

Let's get the Teen Mom crap out of the way. Because there's a boat load this week.

Publications: In Touch, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If you have been to this blog before, you know how I feel about Teen Mom. It would be nearly impossible for me to be clearer, though I will take a shot at the end of this post. But at the beginning of the year, I promised that any story on the cover of any magazine that mentioned someone or made a verifiable (or falsifiable) prediction would get a mention on this blog.

About the only thing I leave out are health tips and horoscopes on the cover of the Sun.

So here are the headlines, three on the different mags and with three different Teen Moms in focus.

• In Touch: Teen Mom ruined our lives (pictures of Farrah Abraham and Maci Bookout)
  anorexia, addiction and abuse
  living on cigarettes and popcorn to lose weight
  downing pills to mask the pain
  "bribed" to stay on the show
• Us Weekly: I want Kyle's Baby (Maci Bookout)
• OK!: Leah: a new man and a new child

I know I shouldn't harp on this stuff or I will just give myself an aneurysm, but the "bribe" to stay on the show is that these stupid girls - and they are still girls - are being paid the princely sum of $280,000 a season to have their stupid lives turned into fish bowls.

That's an obscene amount of money to pay some little bimbo for the mistake of having a baby before she graduates high school. (And yes, Bristol Palin gets included in this tirade as well, even though MTV isn't paying her.) No defense MTV makes for this show carries a milligram of weight, and the gossip rags that keep printing this shit are equally as guilty.

In a world that makes sense, people wouldn't watch this crap and magazines wouldn't write about it.

This week's drama from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 11 July 2011

The Real Housewives franchise always has a selection of women, but each season someone turns out to be Queen Bitch and gets all the tabloid headlines. In this season of the New Jersey story, it's Teresa Giudice. The Queen Bitch usually need an aggrieved adversary, and that role is being played by Melissa Gorga. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Baby boy for Teresa
  Pregnancy bombshell
  With her husband facing prison, she shares her bittersweet news
  crazy cravings and terrified of gaining 50 pounds again
  Her fears over raising 5 kids alone
  PLUS: the baby's name - revealed!
• Us Weekly: Melissa hurt by Teresa's lies
• OK! As husband Joe faces jail, Teresa pursues a new man

All the Bachelorette stuff for 11 July.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, OK!, National Enquirer
Date: 11 July 2011

Four supermarket rags this week are covering The Bachelorette. The only surprise is the Enquirer, which doesn't pay that much attention to this particular show.
Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Bachelorette Ashley betrayed again!
  Still reeling from Bentley's cruel taunts, Ashley has her heart broken again as it's revealed her future fiance has a secret girlfriend back home.
  Heartthrobs turned heart breakers - Ames, J.P., Ryan
• In Touch: Ashley update: caught with J.P.
• National Enquirer: Ashley is a runaway bride
  
• OK!: Poor Ashley discovers she was being used for fame

Maybe I'm just naturally cruel, but I actually laughed at the OK! headline. What "fame" did Ashley have? Oh yeah, she was selected to be on reality TV, and paid a boatload of money to do it, so "poor" is not the best description of the young woman.

Getting the Teen Mom stuff out of the way for 11 July.

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 July 2011

Three Teen Mom stories this week, two about the failure named Amber Portwood and one about the relative success named Catelynn Lowell. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Losing Leah: After rehab, Amber fears she'll never see her baby again.
• In Touch: Amber's tears: "My baby doesn't know me"
• Weekly Life & Style: Teen Mom Catelynn: College, wedding and babies
  
  

Love Bird Alert™ and hussy alert: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Star, In Touch
Date: 11 July 2011

Eventually, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux will be together long enough to have a nice picture of them together. As it stands, they are always being photobombed in one way or another. (The person you can see who seems to be annoying them is Jason Sudelkis.)

In any case, there are three stories in the supermaket rags about them this week. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen & Justin Romantic NYC weekend
• In Touch: Justin & Jen talking marriage
• Star: Justin & Jen: his jilted ex speaks out

Ah, the good old predictable Star. No punch bowl is complete unless there's a turd in it.

All the Bachelorette stuff for 4 July.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 4 July 2011

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter love the Bachelor franchise, and this season's big drama is about Ashley and Bentley. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Ashley's mistake Having Sex With Bentley
• Us Weekly: Bentley's cruel return
• Weekly Life & Style: Ashley tortured for her looks
  After being called 'ugly' and 'flat'. Ashley opens up about her insecurities and how her fiance made her feel sexy again
  (Bachelorette exclusive)
  plus: How she lost 10 lbs. for the wedding

As you can see, in Touch and Us Weekly just did drive-by reporting, while Weekly Life & Style devoted most of the cover to this.

Meanest Story nominee: Amber's deathbed confession!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 July 2011

Anyone who has read this blog before knows how much I dislike the entire concept of the reality show Teen Mom. Since I haven't watched it, I don't have a least favorite star of this show, but having read headlines, it seems like Amber Portwood is one of the most disagreeable.

It is my fond wish that these young women would not be on TV, but I'm not wishing them dead.

In Touch uses the word "deathbed" in a cover story about Amber Portwood. She did attempt suicide, but it wasn't anywhere near a successful attempt, so it wasn't really a "deathbed confession".

The gossip rags have only used the word "deathbed" in three cases prior to this in the last eighteen months. They have used it to describe Elizabeth Edwards and Elizabeth Taylor after they died, and they used it in a story about Zsa Zsa Gabor when it looked like she was going to die.

Zsa Zsa is 93. Amber is 21. Claiming Zsa Zsa was on her deathbed can be listed as an honest mistake.

This, on the other hand, is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Non scoop of the week! BrAngelina's secret wedding in France!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! In Touch goes with one of the standbys, BrAngelina getting hitched. Actually, the majority of stories saying they have had a secret wedding already have been peddled by In Touch. Just in case they think someone has noticed, on this story they have a special "It's Official!" headline.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think if something the only people allowed to keep things both official and secret are governments.

Here's the rest of the headlines.

• Secret Wedding in France
• Angelina's stunning L'Wren Scott gown and vintage ring
• Brad's emotional vow to his new wife
• The surprising celeb guest!
  

Of course, it's already been denied. If you don't know the name L'Wren Scott, she's the towering designer and love interest of the much older Mick Jagger.

All this week's news about Angelina Jolie.

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 27 June 2011

Angelina Jolie is the center of the American gossip solar system and everything revolves around her. This was true long before I started this blog a year and a half ago. While Jennifer Aniston and Sandra Bullock have appeared on more covers than BrAngelina, there are also the solo stories about Angie. If I split every story about the couple into a story about each, instead of BrAngelina being in third place and Angie being in tenth, she would be first and he would be second.

Heck, the gossip rags wouldn't care as much about Jennifer Aniston if she wasn't the modern day equivalent of Debbie Reynolds to Angie's Elizabeth Taylor.

While Brad gets mentioned in passing in one of this week's stories, the focus is on Angelina. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Angelina's $500,000 birthday gift
• Star: Angelina's secrets & lies
  tell-all book banned!
  Her secret trial separation from Brad
  Cheating - other men, other women
  Held hostage with a gun to her head
  11 Never-before-seen family photos
  Teen guitar hero
  First wedding
  
  

All this week's news about Kim Kardashian and the wedding.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 27 June 2011

Just in case you are new to this blog and don't understand the pecking order in the supermarket gossip world, here's the basic outline.

The Evil: American Media Inc. (AMI) owns the Enquirer, Star, Globe, National Examiner and Sun. The first four are nasty and the last one is just silly, predicting the end of the world at least four times a year.

The not so evil: The other five supermarket rags are somewhat less nasty. The absolute top of the table is People, and they set trends. The other four, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch and Us Weekly, are eating the scraps from the table that People leaves behind. There is not one single owner for all five of these magazines, but In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are published by the German consortium Bauer.

People broke the story of Kim Kardashian's engagement in an exclusive. They will likely not mention her again until she walks down the aisle. The other four are all over her large and shapely booty like white on rice. Here are the stories.

• In Touch: Kim & Kris Fight over the wedding
• OK!: Kim sets record straight
  "I did not cheat on Kris"
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding in crisis
  no date set
  invites on hold
• Us Weekly: Kim & Kris :Our love was tested

As often happens, the stories are pointing in multiple different directions. The only thing that can be relied on in a situation like this is that the story is far from over.

All this week's news about Pippa Middleton

Publications: Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

I thought Pippa Middleton was going to be a flash in the pan, especially here in the United States after the wedding was over, but the editors of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have other ideas. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Harry & Pippa! Their love secrets
  As rumors swirl of a secret date between Harry & Pippa, she leaves her boyfriend and steps out with secret royal
• Weekly Life & Style: Pippa upgrades to a millionaire
• In Touch: Pippa & Harry Secret Date!

According to British sources, she hasn't left her longtime boyfriend Alex Loudon, a guy who hasn't made it to the covers of the American gossip rags yet.

On the rocks alert: Kim caught cheating!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 20 June 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Bret Lockett! The (alleged) NFL star plays defensive back for the New England Patriots and has a career total of 7 tackles and one force fumble, but now his claim to fame is having dirty pictures of Kim Kardashian.

Dude, like who doesn't? Here are the headlines.

• 5-month affair with NFL star Bret Lockett behind fiancee Kris' back
• kinky texts and wild phone sex
• He slams her wedding plans: "I hope she's happy"
  
  

Hold the phone sex and stop the wedding!

Kim denies it and is threatening a lawsuit.

On the rocks alert: Bachelorette drama with Ashley and Bentley

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are already going into overdrive on the new season of The Bachelorette and the show has barely started. Ashley has fallen for Bentley, but he turns out to have no feelings for her and said nasty stuff about her. Here are the four headlines.

• People: Bachelorette Ashley fights back "I feel so betrayed"
  The reality star on being mocked by the men who were supposed to adore her - and cruelly used by the one she wanted most
• OK!: Ashley stabbed in the heart!
  Bentley humiliated Ashley in front of America, but she's still pursuing him
  Shocking new details
  
• In Touch: Bentley scandal - The next bachelor?
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Why Ashley takes Bradley back
  Secret reunion in Hong Kong
  Bentley broke her heart, but Ashley is desperate to be with him again. Is she crazy?
  

Will Real Housewife Teresa quit?

Publication: In Touch
Date: 13 June 2011

This is the fourth story in four weeks about Teresa Giudice of Real Housewives of New Jersey. All of the stories have been in In Touch or Weekly Life & Style, two magazines owned by the German conglomerate Bauer. They say the magazines have separate editorial boards and different foci, but they seem to me just as joined at the hip as the AMI kennel is.

Love Bird Alert™?: Jen and Brad's emotional reunion!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 13 June 2011

The supermarket rags never tire of America's favorite spinster, Jennifer Aniston. While most of the stories over the past few weeks have focused on her new fella Justin Theroux, In Touch spins a tale about the big fish that got away, Brad Pitt. Here are the headlines.

• Betraying Angelina, Brad pours his heart out to Jen on May 18
• Plus: the expensive gift he bought her and their plan to meet again