Hey Old Timer Gossip: Where are former soap stars now?

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 August 2011

Once again, the Globe makes clear who their target audience is: people who stay home and watch daytime TV and have done so for quite some time. They don't just do a story about soap opera stars, they have a story about former soap opera stars. On the cover are Gloria Loring, Jack Scalia, Amy Gibson and some little girl in a "Guess Who" picture who has gone on to have a career. I can't tell for sure who it is, and if you want to find out, you can get the magazine yourself.

She Fought The Law Alert™: This week's Casey Anthony stories

Publications: National Enquirer, Globe
Date: 1 August 2011

Two of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids are trying to keep the outrage over the Casey Anthony verdict fueled. Here are the headlines.

• National Enquirer: Casey loses $5 mil blood money deal after bitter public backlash
  Caylee's revenge!
  Plus: her new look revealed
• Globe: Casey Anthony: Proof she got away with murder!
  Former prosecutor's bombshell charge!
  Five key piece of evidence HIDDEN from jury
  PLUS: Judge banned shocking Casey video
  

Meanest Story nominee: Loretta Lynn heart attack nightmare!

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 August 2011

The months roll by, things come and go, but the constant is the dogs from the AMI kennel saying bad things about Miss Loretta Lynn. Now it's the Globe saying the country star and living legend is enduring a "heart attack nightmare".

Here's a tip about reading these headlines. The words "nightmare" and "drama" usually mean "this story is blown all out of proportion". Miss Loretta is now 79 years old, by no means a spring chicken but not as old as it used to be. The tabloids have been trying to kill her off for at least a year and a half.

Best wishes to Miss Loretta Lynn, her family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Regis' shocking tell-all book!

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Only the two supermarket rags that have the lion's share of Hey Old Timer Gossip, the Globe and the low rent Examiner, think Regis Phiblin is a source of hot dish. This time it's the Globe who says their is a tell-all book, for which someone will be paid $10 million. It isn't clear on the cover whether he is the author or someone is ratting on him. Here are the headlines.

• Divorce bombshell
• Other women
• How he nearly died - THREE TIMES
• Inside: Shocking truth about Kathie Lee
  

It's official! William named king!

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Once again, the tabloids go forward with the rumor that Charles will be passed over and William will be king after his grandma dies. Note that Betty Windsor is only 85 and her mom lived to be a jillion. It's not a sure thing Charles will outlive her. Actually, it's not a sure thing Wills will outlive her.

That said, having someone pushed out of line for the throne without murder is really rare in British history.

Meanest story nominee: New tell-all book rips into Mister Tony Bennett.

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mister Tony Bennett! The singer, painter and national treasure, who will turn 85 next month, has his name dragged through the mud by the Globe. They write about a new "tell-all book" that details Mister Bennett's ties to the mob, his drug use and cheating.

I have made a new label, Call Him Mister, especially for this story. Many ladies have gotten the "Call Her Miss" treatment on this blog, wonderful stars who have been around long enough they should be off limits to the garbage peddlers of the supermarket checkout rags. Mister Bennett is the first of his gender to get similar treatment here.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

She Fought The Law (and won) Alert™: A passel of Casey Anthony stories.

Publications: National Enquirer, National Examiner, Globe, Star, In Touch
Date: 25 July 2010

If we ignore the Sun, which is usually about the end of the world, the five meanest gossip rags are the other four published by AMI (National Enquirer, the low rent Examiner, Globe, Star) and In Touch. All five of those have Casey Anthony stories this week. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Casey and her lawyer: getting physical!
• National Examiner: Casey Anthony verdict: what do you think?
• Globe: Casey Anthony marked for death!
  Chilling threat targets Monster Mom
• Star: Casey Anthony ca$hing in (OUTRAGE!)
• National Enquirer: Casey Anthony Wedding Bombshell
  Secret new life of America's most hated woman
  Another baby to replace Caylee
  $50K plastic surgery makeover
  Where she'll live and more

For a little outrage overspill, the Enquirer has a picture of the judge in the case and a story from his mistress blabbing about his cheating.

This is a lot of stories, but only counts as a single week's coverage by my way of counting. We will see if she remains gossip-worthy as the year continues.

View a corpse, why don'tcha?: 50 celebrity graves

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

Once again, the Globe shows that its audience skews older with a story about celebrity graves. Not only are these all people who were famous before I graduated high school, one were dead before I entered kindergarten.

That's a long time ago.

Here's the list with the year of death for each person pictured on the cover.

• Alfalfa (1959)
• Dean Martin (1995)
• Jayne Mansfield (1967)
• Michael Landon (1991)
  
• Farrah Fawcett (2009)
  
• Don Knotts (2006)
  

Caylee's real daddy!

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

The Globe has a story promising to tell the identity of the father of murdered child Caylee Anthony.

Wills'N'Kate in The New World.

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style, Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

Now that the young royals are on this side of the Atlantic, the American gossip rags are all over the story. People mentioned only Kate, but three other mags mentioned the couple. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kate & William American Vacation album
• Globe: William & Kate baby drama
  Too thin royal bride's secret visit to a U.S. fertility clinic -Palace insiders reveal
• Us Weekly: Kate & Will's photo diary
  Secrets of the Royal Visits
  Kate brought 40 outfits!
  Their intimate date - in a log cabin
  She's talking about a baby!

The Globe can't help but be negative, while all the rest of the coverage has been glowing.

Stay classy, Globe!

Meanest story nominee: Maria Shriver collapses.

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

According to the Globe, Maria Shriver collapsed just days before signing the divorce papers. Technically, she has filed for divorce, but most people use the phrase "divorce papers" to signify the finalization contract that both parties are compelled to sign.

In any case, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Soap fans attack Oprah!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

The Globe promises to tell why soap opera fans are furious with the Queen of Daytime TV. It probably has something to do with changing demographics and the relative costs of production of talk shows vs. daytime dramas.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Hulk Hogan's ex-wife writes a tell all book!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Hulk Hogan has had a reality TV show for a while now, but in 2010 had no appearances on the covers of the supermarket rags. Now he's on his second cover in as many weeks, this time because his ex-wife Linda has written that favorite thing in the gossip world, the "tell all book". The Globe says it's full of sex, drugs and lies, and for once, I believe them. She's exactly the kind of person who would write a tell all book.

For example, there was a story a year ago claiming a tell all book from Tipper Gore would send Al to jail. Tipper is exactly the kind of person NOT to write a tell all book.

Meanest story nominee: Michelle storms out!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

If we were to accept the word from the AMI kennel, Michelle Obama is constantly in a raging bad mood, the American equivalent of Camilla Parker-Bowles. Here are the headlines.

• Hates life in the White House
• Shocking fights with Prez
  

On their website, they add the detail that she is moving out and taking the girls back to Chicago with her.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Farewell Peter Falk.

Publications: People, Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

Peter Falk died last Friday, which gives the Only Ten Magazines That Matter plenty of time to consider whether to put him on the cover or not. People did something tasteful and the Globe didn't.

Quelle surprise.

Here are the headlines.

• People: Farewell Peter Falk
• Globe: Peter Falk - Tragic death secret
  Torment & hatred that drove Columbo star to his grave

Best wishes to the family and friends of Peter Falk, from a fan.

Least interesting cover story of the week: Fans wage war to save the soaps!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

The Globe has yet another story without cover art. This time it's "Breaking News!" that the fans of soap operas are trying to save the canceled shows.

There is no cover art, so I don't include a picture here either.

Bun in the oven alert™?: Joran van der Sloot gets a girl pregnant in jail!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

The last Joran van der Sloot update was back in April, but this week the Globe tells us her has gotten a girl pregnant while in jail in Peru. They also identify his as "Natalee's killer", a reasonable assumption but not a thing ever proved in court.

The Globe is proud that this is a "world exclusive". Of course, when you make stuff up, it's easier to have world exclusives.

On the rocks alert: The end of the marriage of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2011

In American gossip, the Queen Bitch is Angelina Jolie. In Brit gossip, it's Camilla Parker-Bowles. She is always scheming or collapsing over some setback or saying something nasty about someone. Here in the States, almost all these stories are in the Globe or the low rent Examiner.

For the third time in a year and a half, we have a story that Charles and Camilla have already divorced. Here are the details this time.

• Camilla & Charles It's Over!
• The final bust-up
• Their $300 million divorce
• Fighting in public June 11, 2011

A year ago, the settlement was $250 million, so obviously it's been a profitable year for the royals.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? What Diana would look like at 50.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

A lot of the American supermarket gossip rags are run by Brits who think we are WAY more interested in British royalty than we actually are. Somebody has decided to use some age advancement software on pictures of Princess Diana to give an idea of what she would look like now at the age of 50.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin love child scandal!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

Once again, an AMI scandal sheet is spreading rumors about Sarah Palin, saying she is involved in a love child scandal.

First off, d'uh! Her grandkid is a love child. Bristol gave birth and didn't get married, remember?

I'm assuming the only way it could be a scandal is if there is another baby on the way, but if that's the case, it's damned unlikely the "love child" will belong to Sarah, even though she is the only one named in the story. I assume they are talking about Todd fathering a kid, but I didn't open the magazine to find out.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.