Hey Old Timer Gossip: Where are former soap stars now?

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 August 2011

Once again, the Globe makes clear who their target audience is: people who stay home and watch daytime TV and have done so for quite some time. They don't just do a story about soap opera stars, they have a story about former soap opera stars. On the cover are Gloria Loring, Jack Scalia, Amy Gibson and some little girl in a "Guess Who" picture who has gone on to have a career. I can't tell for sure who it is, and if you want to find out, you can get the magazine yourself.

Meanest Story nominee: Loretta Lynn heart attack nightmare!

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 August 2011

The months roll by, things come and go, but the constant is the dogs from the AMI kennel saying bad things about Miss Loretta Lynn. Now it's the Globe saying the country star and living legend is enduring a "heart attack nightmare".

Here's a tip about reading these headlines. The words "nightmare" and "drama" usually mean "this story is blown all out of proportion". Miss Loretta is now 79 years old, by no means a spring chicken but not as old as it used to be. The tabloids have been trying to kill her off for at least a year and a half.

Best wishes to Miss Loretta Lynn, her family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Surprisingly nice headline of the week:R.I.P. Betty Ford

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! While People did a respectful cover story on Betty Ford last week, the low rent Examiner follows suit a week later. The headline reads "Courageous First Lady at Peace", and I have a hard time disagreeing with that.

I still count the low rent Examiner as one of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, but to quote They Might Be Giants, I can declare them The Nicest Of The Damned.

Bad Dad Alert: James Brolin's son is homeless.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 July 2011

The Enquirer threw a dart at a board full of celebrity names and decided to make James Brolin's life a living hell. Back in March, they reported on trouble in his marriage to Barbra Streisand, and now they have a picture of someone they say is Brolin's son, a big guy - they say 300 lbs., could be more - who looks developmentally disabled, who is now living out of his truck.

Before you ask, no, it's not Josh Brolin. Say what you will about him, he's not fat.

Meanest story nominee: New tell-all book rips into Mister Tony Bennett.

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mister Tony Bennett! The singer, painter and national treasure, who will turn 85 next month, has his name dragged through the mud by the Globe. They write about a new "tell-all book" that details Mister Bennett's ties to the mob, his drug use and cheating.

I have made a new label, Call Him Mister, especially for this story. Many ladies have gotten the "Call Her Miss" treatment on this blog, wonderful stars who have been around long enough they should be off limits to the garbage peddlers of the supermarket checkout rags. Mister Bennett is the first of his gender to get similar treatment here.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Della Reese and missing church funds.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Miss Della Reese! The Enquirer has a story about the 80 year old singer and actress "caught up" in an IRS probe of her church, where funds have gone missing. I have found no independent confirmation of this story online, so I'm assuming they are way over the line.

Just in case anyone from the Enquirer reads this blog, let me quote The Wire to express my disapproval. You just shot the Sunday crown off of a colored lady. If you ever run into the ghost of Stringer Bell, I'm sure he'll let you know how inadvisable that is.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

View a corpse, why don'tcha?: 50 celebrity graves

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 July 2011

Once again, the Globe shows that its audience skews older with a story about celebrity graves. Not only are these all people who were famous before I graduated high school, one were dead before I entered kindergarten.

That's a long time ago.

Here's the list with the year of death for each person pictured on the cover.

• Alfalfa (1959)
• Dean Martin (1995)
• Jayne Mansfield (1967)
• Michael Landon (1991)
  
• Farrah Fawcett (2009)
  
• Don Knotts (2006)
  

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Goldie Hawn trashed by her ex-husband

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

It sometimes feels like there are only two choices in the gossip rags. News about reality TV stars who have never done anything interesting in their entire lives or the Hey Old Timer gossip about people whose best work is twenty to thirty years in the past.

As little as I like the low rent Examiner, at least they aren't yapping about Teen Mom and such all the time. Instead, they re listening to some ex-husband of Goldie Hawn's who has an axe to grind, blabbing about whatever sex and drugs she did back in the day.

And the camera noses in to the tears on his face: Glen Campbell diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 July 2011

The National Enquirer has published a front page story that singer Glen Campbell, 75, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. They add the detail that he sobbed when he heard the news.

To be honest, if I was in his situation, I'd cry, too.

Campbell actually broke the news in an interview with People, but the Enquirer was the first to put him on the cover.

Best wishes to Mr. Campbell, his friends and family, from a fan.

He Fought The Law Alert™: Ryan found with Farrah's missing $30 million painting!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 4 July 2011

Star is claiming an exclusive about a story already printed by other news outlets, that Ryan O'Neal was caught with an Andy Warhol painting of Farrah Fawcett, currently valued at $30 million.

Farrah left her entire art collection to the University of Texas, but the Warhol had been missing. A film crew in O'Neal's house showed that the picture was prominently displayed, so mystery solved.

Meanest Story nominee: Trashing Miss Elizabeth Taylor one more time.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner, very fond of Hey Old Timer Gossip, drags the names of four dead people through the mud this week, though the main target of the mudslinging is Miss Elizabeth Taylor, the freshest of the corpses they decided to kick.

First, they say Miss Taylor had a steamy affair with John F. Kennedy.

I'm not completely buying this. Miss Taylor was definitely an "if you like it then you should have put a ring on it" kind of gal.

They also peddle the story that she had a war with Grace Kelly over Prince Rainier.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: Barry Manilow's plastic surgery disaster!

Publication: Globe
Date: 27 June 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Barry Manilow! Technically, he should not count as Hey Old Timer Gossip since he was not a nationally known hitmaker until after I graduated high school, but when I was in high school, he was writing jingles and working for Bette Midler, so he was well on his way.

Barry's in his late sixties now, so his story is going to be in the Globe (or the low rent Examiner) and like most people his age in the gossip rags, the story is about plastic surgery gone wrong.

Meanest Story nominee: Five MORE celebs get the Sad Last Days treatment.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

The low rent Examiner had their usual big cover page to fill and their typical lack of actual reporters to find stories, so they just picked five names of celebrities who have been famous a very long time and report to us that they are on their last legs. Four of these actors are new to the Brave Last Days treatment, one is a repeat customer.

New to the list is Maureen O'Hara, still the gold standard when it comes to red-headed fabulosity in Hollywood.


Also new is Peter Falk.

UPDATE: Peter Falk died a week after this story appeared on Friday, June 24, 2011.


Jack Klugman hasn't looked or sounded very good for a while, but he's still with us.


Angela Lansbury has been mentioned in the tabs over the past two years, but this is the first report of her imminent demise.


And last on the list is James Garner. This is the third time the tabloids have said he was gonna die in the past two years, the first time back in May of 2010.

Best wishes to all the stars, their family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Four prophecies for 2011!

Publication: Sun
Date: 20 June 2011

The Sun gives us four prophecies for 2011, but none of them involve the End of the World or even so much as a plague or terrorist attack. Still, they have expiration dates, so they can be tested for accuracy.

Hillary Clinton is going to announce a run for the presidency.

Miss Betty White will buy a baseball team and they will win the World Series.

NASA files reveal why JFK really died.

(Did the shot come from outer space?)

And a weeping statue predicts Billy Graham's last days.

By the end of the year, I will report back on all these predictions.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Secret James Arness took with him to the grave.

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! James Arness died last Wednesday, and not surprisingly, one of the rags specializing in Hey Old Timer Gossip has to tell us about a secret he took to the grave.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: A "Where Are They Now?" for 50s and 60s rockers.

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 June 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

The Globe puts a mess of old rock and rollers on the cover and in no way assumes that any of them are one step from the grave. They have pictures of Bobby Rydell, Chuck Berry, Brenda Lee and a "guess who?" of a "rockin' grandma" who is pretty obviously Grace Slick. The meanest part of this generally not mean nostalgia is bringing up the comfy shoe orientation of Leslie Gore, a fact she confirmed in 2005, though people who read the Globe may not have heard the news just yet.

Hey! It's her party and she'll cry if she wants to!

You would cry, too, if it happened to you.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: George Jones' botox secret!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 June 2011

The low rent Examiner thinks its target audience wants to hear bad things about the silver throated country legend, George "No Show" Jones, so it leads with a titillating headline about his use of Botox.

With all he's put his body through, he's lucky that he can use anything this side of embalming fluid to still look good.

Problems With Plastic Alert™: Plastic surgery shockers!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 13 June 2011

The Enquirer once again smacks women around for the sin of getting old and blames plastic surgeons. The targets this time around are Cher, Goldie Hawn, Courtney Love, Lara Flynn Boyle, Tina Louise and Maria Shriver. There were also three "Guess who?" sets of boobs, but that would mean opening the magazine.

As much as I like boobs, it wasn't temptation enough.

Meanest Story nominee: Secret autopsy reveals foul play in the death of Miss Elizabeth Taylor.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

It's been two months since Miss Elizabeth Taylor died, but she is still one of the most popular gossip topics of 2011 for The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. The Globe is re-hashing the story that foul play might have been involved in her death, this time telling us there was a "secret autopsy".

Best wishes as always to the family and friends of Miss Taylor, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Dolly Parton hides secret son.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 6 June 2011

The low rent Examiner believes its public wants to hear bad things about Miss Dolly Parton.

Personally, I don't want to hear bad things about Miss Dolly Parton and the disapproving rabbit does not want to hear them either.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the week.