We gotta collpser! Camilla's nervous breakdown.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

The low rent Examiner tells us the Camilla Parker-Bowles is once again upset, or continues to be upset. If we accept the view of the Globe and the low rent Examiner, she's always in a bad mood about something. In any case, here are this week's headlines.

• She collapses in jealous fit over Kate
• "They love her! They hate me!"
  
  

I created a new label this week, "we gotta collapser" specifically for the stories in which people collpse. I went back and re-labeled stories in which variations of the word are used, and this one will be the 23rd time. As you might expect, women do more collapsing than men, delicate little flowers that they are, and while women of child bearing age get more cover stories than older women do by far, about half of the collapsing stories are about women past the age of menopause. For example, this is the third collapse in a year and a half for Camilla, so she's averaging about one every six months.

He Fought The Law Alert™: "Dog" in bloody barroom fight!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

It's the dog days of summer, so this afternoon the stories are all about dogs. The low rent Examiner tells us that low rent reality TV star Dog the Bounty Hunter got into a bloody barroom brawl.

And I always thought of him as a level headed and upstanding gentleman.

No, wait, I must be thinking of someone else. It'll come to me.

Meanest story nominee: Willie Prison shocker!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

The low rent Examiner tells a true story this week, also reported by reputable news agencies, that Willie Nelson faces jail time because as they put it, "Judge throws the book at country star".

Here are the details, found online. Willie smokes the herb. We already knew that. He got caught smoking and was put on trial. He's an old guy, and a famous one to boot, so the trial judge said that instead of jail time, Willie could come by the court house and sing Blue Eyes Cryin' In The Rain. ANOTHER butt-inski judge hears about this, says it isn't fair because other people caught smoking herb aren't given this option and, just to be fair, gives the 78 year old singer two years in jail.

You know, just to be fair. Because if we don't apply our stupid draconian laws fairly, people will stop having respect for them.

Through no fault of the low rent Examiner, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Surprisingly nice headline of the week:R.I.P. Betty Ford

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! While People did a respectful cover story on Betty Ford last week, the low rent Examiner follows suit a week later. The headline reads "Courageous First Lady at Peace", and I have a hard time disagreeing with that.

I still count the low rent Examiner as one of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, but to quote They Might Be Giants, I can declare them The Nicest Of The Damned.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. "Dad's angel saved my life!"

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

The demographic for the low rent Examiner not only skews older, it skews towards the South, which is why they have so many stories about country singers and NASCAR. In this one, Dale Earnhardt Jr. says his Daddy's angel saved his life.

Junior, I think you've got that wrong. Your daddy's angel was about winning races, and you haven't done that in about three years.

On the rocks alert: Obamas' secret split.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

Ever since Clinton, the gossip rags have loved writing that the presidential marriage is in trouble, especially the Globe and the low rent Examiner. This week, Michelle has had enough and she is now living a life apart from Barack Hussein Lothario Obama.

The low rent Examiner and the Sun are the only two of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter that don't have online versions. This is because both are made on the cheap. Still, we are supposed to believe the low rent Examiner is able to dig up scoops on two of the best protected people on the planet.

The Sun only expects us to believe in the End of the World about six times a year and there's a Bat Boy who was found in a cave.

Meanest story nominee: Prince William: "I know who killed my mom!"

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

The low rent Examiner continues with the popular gossip theory that his mother Princess Diana was murdered AND the heir to the throne knows the culprit. If you really think the car crash was a hit, watch this sketch by Mitchell and Webb and see if you don't think there are a few holes in the idea.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

She Fought The Law (and won) Alert™: A passel of Casey Anthony stories.

Publications: National Enquirer, National Examiner, Globe, Star, In Touch
Date: 25 July 2010

If we ignore the Sun, which is usually about the end of the world, the five meanest gossip rags are the other four published by AMI (National Enquirer, the low rent Examiner, Globe, Star) and In Touch. All five of those have Casey Anthony stories this week. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Casey and her lawyer: getting physical!
• National Examiner: Casey Anthony verdict: what do you think?
• Globe: Casey Anthony marked for death!
  Chilling threat targets Monster Mom
• Star: Casey Anthony ca$hing in (OUTRAGE!)
• National Enquirer: Casey Anthony Wedding Bombshell
  Secret new life of America's most hated woman
  Another baby to replace Caylee
  $50K plastic surgery makeover
  Where she'll live and more

For a little outrage overspill, the Enquirer has a picture of the judge in the case and a story from his mistress blabbing about his cheating.

This is a lot of stories, but only counts as a single week's coverage by my way of counting. We will see if she remains gossip-worthy as the year continues.

Dolly fights to save Dollywood!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 July 2011

The low rent Examiner pretty much owns stories about Miss Dolly Parton in the supermarket rags and usually they are mean. This week, they say her theme park Dollywood is in financial trouble. Given the economy, I wouldn't be surprised if this is true, though I couldn't find confirmation online.

Still, the low rent Examiner is not all up in Miss Parton's personal business, so this almost counts as a positive story as far as they are concerned.

Sarah Palin's dark secret.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 July 2011

I'm sure Sarah Palin sees the supermarket rags as just another part of the "lamestream media". While she is not one of the top ten celebrities of 2011 or the past year and a half, she does get a lot of mentions, almost all of them negative stories in the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner. For anyone who thinks this is an example of "left wing media bias", Barack and Michelle Obama are in the same situation, with Barack being mentioned much more often than Sarah and Michelle being mentioned somewhat less often.

This week, it's the low rent Examiner saying she has a dark secret, with the sub-headline "What she's hiding from America".

Meanest story nominee: Glen Campbell's final battle

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 July 2011

The news of Glen Campbell's Alzheimer's diagnosis is two weeks old now, first put on the cover by the National Enquirer, but the low rent Examiner decides to re-hash the story and call it Campbell's "final battle", so I'm giving this the "Not Long 4 This World" label, even though the mentally debilitating disease does not necessarily mean a shorter life, just a much less pleasant one. In this "exclusive", the low rent Examiner promises to give the "tragic reason behind shocking Alzheimer's confession".

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Goldie Hawn trashed by her ex-husband

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

It sometimes feels like there are only two choices in the gossip rags. News about reality TV stars who have never done anything interesting in their entire lives or the Hey Old Timer gossip about people whose best work is twenty to thirty years in the past.

As little as I like the low rent Examiner, at least they aren't yapping about Teen Mom and such all the time. Instead, they re listening to some ex-husband of Goldie Hawn's who has an axe to grind, blabbing about whatever sex and drugs she did back in the day.

Kate's heart scare! William battles to save her.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The low rent Examiner wants us to believe that Princess Catherine's life is in danger and Wiliam is dashing to her rescue.

The truly hard thing to believe here is that the low rent Examiner has any inside information at all.

Aretha's lost love.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The low rent Examiner says Miss Aretha Franklin has a lost love. Given that she is pushing 70, it would be almost impossible for her NOT to have a lost love at least once in her life. While this can't count as a positive story, at least the vultures of the press are not telling us she is near death, which is good news for everybody.

Meanest story nominee: Miss Doris Day's dying wish!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The season has recently changed so it must be time for our quarterly "Doris Day is dying!" alert. The Globe had three of these stories last year and now the low rent Examiner publishes its second this year. (Once this year, Miss Day was comforting a dying James Garner instead of dying herself.) They add the detail that there is a tragic secret she is keeping from her fans.

In terms of repeated warnings, Miss Doris Day is far behind the treatment the vultures of the gutter press gave Miss Elizabeth Taylor, but slightly ahead of the number of times we've been told Billy Graham is soon to meet his maker.

Best wishes to Miss Day, her family, friends and pets.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Two instances of bad blood among celebrities.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner has two sets of pictures of people who just don't like each other. First set of combatants are Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart. Their animosity has been tabloid fodder before this.

And welcome to gossip hell, Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior. The supermarket rags have left Hulk alone, though other gossip sources online have mocked him mercilessly for marrying a woman that looks waaaay too much like his daughter. This story is more about the Ultimate Warrior talking trash about what Hulk did when people actually cared about either of them.

Rich people are rich: Ellen's $60 million estate.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

While she is no longer on American False Idol, Ellen DeGeneres is still on daytime TV, which means she is of interest to the low rent Examiner's target demographic. Of all the homes mention in the category "Rich People Are Rich" in the last year and a half, this is the most expensive price on a house by at least a factor of two.

Meanest Story nominee: Trashing Miss Elizabeth Taylor one more time.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner, very fond of Hey Old Timer Gossip, drags the names of four dead people through the mud this week, though the main target of the mudslinging is Miss Elizabeth Taylor, the freshest of the corpses they decided to kick.

First, they say Miss Taylor had a steamy affair with John F. Kennedy.

I'm not completely buying this. Miss Taylor was definitely an "if you like it then you should have put a ring on it" kind of gal.

They also peddle the story that she had a war with Grace Kelly over Prince Rainier.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Loretta Lynn prepares to die!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner is trying to kill off Miss Loretta Lynn once again. The detail they add is a "$10 million promise to her kids".

Sounds like a will. Miss Loretta is now 79 years old and has been very successful, so it only makes sense she has a will. It does not mean she will die soon.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

On the rocks alert: Bill O'Reilly divorce scandal.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

The low rent Examiner is the only gossip rag that thinks its readers want to hear about Bill O'Reilly. The headline may be another bait and switch and Mr. O'Reilly marriage may be just fine. Personally, I don't care much one way or the other.