Meanest story nominee: Prince William: "I know who killed my mom!"

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

The low rent Examiner continues with the popular gossip theory that his mother Princess Diana was murdered AND the heir to the throne knows the culprit. If you really think the car crash was a hit, watch this sketch by Mitchell and Webb and see if you don't think there are a few holes in the idea.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Kate Middleton pregnant AND anorexic!

Publication: Star
Date: 25 July 2011

The Star has a story about Kate Middleton, but it has nothing to do with the visit. Before they were hitched, it was a little rude to say she was already pregnant, and now the rudest stories say she can't get pregnant because she's too skinny.

So Star puts both those threads together and tells us Kate IS pregnant and too skinny at the same time. In what they call a "pregnancy and anorexia shocker!", they say she is 95 lbs. and pregnant. Kate is 5'10" (or 1m 78 tall and weighing 43 kg for my non Yank readers). Some top models are that tall and usually even the way skinny ones are still slightly over 100 pounds.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Della Reese and missing church funds.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Miss Della Reese! The Enquirer has a story about the 80 year old singer and actress "caught up" in an IRS probe of her church, where funds have gone missing. I have found no independent confirmation of this story online, so I'm assuming they are way over the line.

Just in case anyone from the Enquirer reads this blog, let me quote The Wire to express my disapproval. You just shot the Sunday crown off of a colored lady. If you ever run into the ghost of Stringer Bell, I'm sure he'll let you know how inadvisable that is.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Glen Campbell's final battle

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 July 2011

The news of Glen Campbell's Alzheimer's diagnosis is two weeks old now, first put on the cover by the National Enquirer, but the low rent Examiner decides to re-hash the story and call it Campbell's "final battle", so I'm giving this the "Not Long 4 This World" label, even though the mentally debilitating disease does not necessarily mean a shorter life, just a much less pleasant one. In this "exclusive", the low rent Examiner promises to give the "tragic reason behind shocking Alzheimer's confession".

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Travolta baby autism shocker!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 11 July 2011

The Enquirer continues their war on fat Scientologists with a story that Benjamin Travolta, the new baby of John Travolta and Kelly Preston, is autistic. Here are the headlines.

• Doctor tells all
• John and Kelly in marriage counseling
• All their secrets
  

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Trashing Miss Elizabeth Taylor one more time.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner, very fond of Hey Old Timer Gossip, drags the names of four dead people through the mud this week, though the main target of the mudslinging is Miss Elizabeth Taylor, the freshest of the corpses they decided to kick.

First, they say Miss Taylor had a steamy affair with John F. Kennedy.

I'm not completely buying this. Miss Taylor was definitely an "if you like it then you should have put a ring on it" kind of gal.

They also peddle the story that she had a war with Grace Kelly over Prince Rainier.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin love child scandal!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

Once again, an AMI scandal sheet is spreading rumors about Sarah Palin, saying she is involved in a love child scandal.

First off, d'uh! Her grandkid is a love child. Bristol gave birth and didn't get married, remember?

I'm assuming the only way it could be a scandal is if there is another baby on the way, but if that's the case, it's damned unlikely the "love child" will belong to Sarah, even though she is the only one named in the story. I assume they are talking about Todd fathering a kid, but I didn't open the magazine to find out.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Loretta Lynn prepares to die!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner is trying to kill off Miss Loretta Lynn once again. The detail they add is a "$10 million promise to her kids".

Sounds like a will. Miss Loretta is now 79 years old and has been very successful, so it only makes sense she has a will. It does not mean she will die soon.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Casey Anthony tortured Caylee before killing her.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 27 June 2011

The dogs from the AMI kennel are still making hay at the murder trial of Casey Anthony. The actual news reported by the legitimate press is already compelling, but the Enquirer still needs to spice things up and tell us Casey Anthony tortured her daughter before killing her.

Because obviously, killing a little girl won't make us hate her enough already.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Whitney Houston dying!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 20 June 2011

Way back last June, the Enquirer wrote that Whitney Houston would be dead "within months". Back then, it was all about the drugs. This week, the low rent Examiner says she is dying, but says the cause will be a lung disease she has contracted. They also mention she is in rehab for the fourth time.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Angelina weighs 99 lbs and is hooked on heroin.

Publication: Star
Date: 13 June 2011

Star magazine says Angelina Jolie weighs 99 lbs. and is hooked on heroin. Brad's family is planning an intervention.

This last detail makes all the rest less believable, because Brad's family really hates her.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Dolly Parton hides secret son.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 6 June 2011

The low rent Examiner believes its public wants to hear bad things about Miss Dolly Parton.

Personally, I don't want to hear bad things about Miss Dolly Parton and the disapproving rabbit does not want to hear them either.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the week.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton can't have a baby! Again.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 30 May 2011

Often, when a story is a repeat of something some gossip rag has already said, I don't make it a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week, but this one is an exception for two reasons. The last time this rumor was reported, it won as Meanest Story of the Week, and more notably, the story has migrated from the AMI kennel to the gossip rags that are generally nicer and at least a little more reliable. Here are the headlines.

• Will & Kate's baby heartbreak
• Royal doctor confirms: She can't get pregnant
• The devastating news rocks their marriage
• plus: why they can't adopt

Best wishes to the happy couple. I'm not much for predictions, but I predict that by the end of 2012 at the latest, this story will have been proven false.

Meanest Story nominee: Paula Deen suicide shocker!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 23 May 2011

Of all the celebrity chefs, Paula Deen is the one the Three Wicked Step Sisters like to pick on the most. This time it's the Enquirer saying the police found six empty pill bottles in her home.

Maybe she's just not tidy.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Obama birth certificate is a fake!

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

Now begins the "afterbirther" era, and the Globe wants to be in the forefront. The long form birth certificate released last week is a FAKE! Here are the sub-headlines.

• File number is fake
• Inside: five more signs of fraud
• Trump: what else is president hiding?

So the Globe is hoping to take the money of the small minority of people who just can't believe a black man can be president except by fraud and subterfuge. As the comedian Ron White likes to remind us, "You can't fix stupid."

The is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton can't have a baby!

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 May 2011

As should be expected, this blog is getting a lot of visits right now from people interested in today's royal wedding. Besides this being the happiest day of her life, Kate Middleton is also entered in competition for Meanest Story of the Week.

The tabloids have already floated the rumor that she is getting married pregnant, which is really unlikely if you've seen any recent pictures of her. Now, the Globe is going with a story that she can't get pregnant and calling it a "royal shocker"!

If it was true, this would be much worse news than her going down the aisle to marry a future king with a future king inside her. But this is the Globe, so wondering about the validity of the story is a really big IF.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: BrAngelina's twins health horror!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 2 May 2011

Once again, the tabloids speculate about the health of BrAngelina's twins, Knox and Viv. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Angie's drug addiction put Viv and Knox in danger
• Brain damage shocker!
  
  

Some day when I have some extra time, I may have to go back and label all the stories that use the new three favorite words of the Only Ten Magazines That Matter, "drama", "meltdown" and "shocker".

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee:Catherine Zeta-Jones in Psycho Ward!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 25 April 2011

The Flagship has a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week, as usual, but this one has already been confirmed as true. Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is called "Michael Douglas' wife" in the headlines, has been checked in to a mental hospital due to a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder 2. The Enquirer says she has been put in a ward with drug addicts and alcoholics, but since she works in Hollywood, she should feel right at home. (Rimshot! Thank you very much! I'll be here all week! Try the veal!)

UPDATE: Not only has this story been confirmed, but a week later it gets on several covers, so I give the story a belated Scoop of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: "I killed Kirstie Alley's mom!"

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 April 2011

For those new to the blog and to the tabloid universe in general, the National Enquirer and its parent company hate Scientologists in general, fat scientologists more than skinny ones and Kirstie Alley in particular. Since Kirstie is on Dancing With The Stars, the Flagship decided to pour a little salt in an old wound and found a woman who says she killed Kirstie Alley's mom, who died in an auto accident in 1981, which also seriously injured her dad. The sub-headlines include:

• all the shocking crime scene details
• begs Kirstie for forgiveness
  

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.