Meanest Story nominee: Loretta Lynn heart attack nightmare!

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 August 2011

The months roll by, things come and go, but the constant is the dogs from the AMI kennel saying bad things about Miss Loretta Lynn. Now it's the Globe saying the country star and living legend is enduring a "heart attack nightmare".

Here's a tip about reading these headlines. The words "nightmare" and "drama" usually mean "this story is blown all out of proportion". Miss Loretta is now 79 years old, by no means a spring chicken but not as old as it used to be. The tabloids have been trying to kill her off for at least a year and a half.

Best wishes to Miss Loretta Lynn, her family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Della Reese and missing church funds.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Miss Della Reese! The Enquirer has a story about the 80 year old singer and actress "caught up" in an IRS probe of her church, where funds have gone missing. I have found no independent confirmation of this story online, so I'm assuming they are way over the line.

Just in case anyone from the Enquirer reads this blog, let me quote The Wire to express my disapproval. You just shot the Sunday crown off of a colored lady. If you ever run into the ghost of Stringer Bell, I'm sure he'll let you know how inadvisable that is.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Dolly fights to save Dollywood!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 July 2011

The low rent Examiner pretty much owns stories about Miss Dolly Parton in the supermarket rags and usually they are mean. This week, they say her theme park Dollywood is in financial trouble. Given the economy, I wouldn't be surprised if this is true, though I couldn't find confirmation online.

Still, the low rent Examiner is not all up in Miss Parton's personal business, so this almost counts as a positive story as far as they are concerned.

Aretha's lost love.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The low rent Examiner says Miss Aretha Franklin has a lost love. Given that she is pushing 70, it would be almost impossible for her NOT to have a lost love at least once in her life. While this can't count as a positive story, at least the vultures of the press are not telling us she is near death, which is good news for everybody.

Mid year review for 2011, part one: Death predictions.

So far in 2011, the vultures of the tabloids, which usually means the Enquirer, Globe and low rent Examiner, have given death predictions for a total of 30 celebrities, three of whom have died in these past six months, Miss Elizabeth Taylor, James Arness and Peter Falk. That works out to a batting average of .100, which is pretty darn sad no matter how you slice it.

The overall record since the beginning of 2010 is 10 correct predictions out of 84, a slightly better but still stinky .119. Of course, if they just stop predicting and wait, their batting average will eventually be 1.000. That's how this game works. But it's not in their nature not to speculate on life and death, no matter how bad they suck at it.

Here are the new names added to the list since January that are still alive.

Larry Fortensky
Roy Clark
George Jones
Donna Fargo
Miss Kitty Wells
Dick Van Dyke
Nancy Reagan
Steve Jobs
Regis Philbin
Paula Deen
John Edwards
Chuck Berry
Miss Angela Lansbury
Miss Maureen O'Hara
Jack Klugman
Amber Portwood

Here are the people who have been mentioned since January, but are repeat customers from 2010, excluding Miss Elizabeth Taylor, who was pegged for death six times in the month before the end.

Miss Aretha Franklin x2
Miss Doris Day x2
Bob Barker x2
Billy Graham
Jerry Lee Lewis
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Whitney Houston
Charlie Sheen
Bill Clinton
James Garner
Miss Loretta Lynn

Best wishes to the people on the list, their family and friends, and double best wishes to the special ladies, Miss Loretta Lynn, Miss Kitty Wells, Miss Aretha Franklin, Miss Angela Lansbury, Miss Doris Day, and Miss Maureen O'Hara.

Meanest story nominee: Miss Doris Day's dying wish!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The season has recently changed so it must be time for our quarterly "Doris Day is dying!" alert. The Globe had three of these stories last year and now the low rent Examiner publishes its second this year. (Once this year, Miss Day was comforting a dying James Garner instead of dying herself.) They add the detail that there is a tragic secret she is keeping from her fans.

In terms of repeated warnings, Miss Doris Day is far behind the treatment the vultures of the gutter press gave Miss Elizabeth Taylor, but slightly ahead of the number of times we've been told Billy Graham is soon to meet his maker.

Best wishes to Miss Day, her family, friends and pets.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Loretta Lynn prepares to die!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 July 2011

The low rent Examiner is trying to kill off Miss Loretta Lynn once again. The detail they add is a "$10 million promise to her kids".

Sounds like a will. Miss Loretta is now 79 years old and has been very successful, so it only makes sense she has a will. It does not mean she will die soon.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Missed deadline alert: Miss Aretha Franklin is still alive.

Six months ago, the National Enquirer started one of their scummy vendettas against Miss Aretha Franklin, quoting a "family insider" that she had pancreatic cancer, a report she steadfastly denies. They said she had six months to live. It's six months later, and the Queen of Soul is still alive and considerably thinner, which is a good thing.

Best wishes to the Queen of Soul, Miss Aretha Franklin, her family and friends, from a devoted fan.

Meanest Story nominee: Secret autopsy reveals foul play in the death of Miss Elizabeth Taylor.

Publication: Globe

Date: 6 June 2011

It's been two months since Miss Elizabeth Taylor died, but she is still one of the most popular gossip topics of 2011 for The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. The Globe is re-hashing the story that foul play might have been involved in her death, this time telling us there was a "secret autopsy".

Best wishes as always to the family and friends of Miss Taylor, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Dolly Parton hides secret son.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 6 June 2011

The low rent Examiner believes its public wants to hear bad things about Miss Dolly Parton.

Personally, I don't want to hear bad things about Miss Dolly Parton and the disapproving rabbit does not want to hear them either.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the week.

Brave Last Days Alert and Meanest Story nominee: Larry Fortensky brain damaged and dying!

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 May 2011

The Globe isn't quite through with Miss Elizabeth Taylor just yet. They put a story on the cover that her last husband, construction worker Larry Fortensky, is brain damaged and dying, and that Liz left him $1,000,000 in her will.

Best wishes to Mr. Fortensky. This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Tina Turner headed to booze rehab, friends fear.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 May 2011

Welcome (back) to gossip hell, Miss Tina Turner! The Enquirer has another one of those "friends fear" stories, which really means somebody needed a few bucks and they ratted out a celebrity for cash. According to this story, Tina is drinking hard after the death of her sister.

I hate to bring up age and Miss Turner in the same sentence, but I had a poster of her in my room when I was in high school, so she does technically count as Hey Old Timer Gossip.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Damn You Skinnier Alert™: Aretha loses 85 pounds in five months.

Publication: People
Date: 2 May 2011

Until now, all stories about Miss Aretha Franklin have been in the National Enquirer, and none of them were good. Now, Miss Aretha gets a story in People where she says she's healthy and she's lost 85 pounds.

In December, there were several news organizations who went with the story that Aretha had pancreatic cancer. She denies it and I'm inclined to take her at her word, though I'm just your standard consumer of news, so I have no special insights into who is telling the truth in this case.

In any case, best wishes to Miss Franklin, her family and friends, from a fan.

Brave Last Days Alert: the low rent Examiner tells us about a bunch of country stars.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The low rent Examiner goes all fire sale with a Brave Last Days cover story about country and western music stars. Yes, everyone must go, eventually at least. Among the people they pick for the reaper are Jerry Lee Lewis, who has been mentioned before, and newcomers Roy Clark, George Jones, Donna Fargo and...

(wait for it!)

Miss Kitty Wells!

You could knock me down with a feather. I had no idea Miss Kitty was still with us. All those things I said about Miss Loretta Lynn being the last great star of country music, well... I was just talking out of my hat, so to speak.

Best wishes to all the people mentioned, all their families and all their friends, but most of all, best wishes to Miss Kitty Wells, still the Queen of Country Music.

Hospitalization alert: Loretta Lynn hospital drama!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 April 2011

Once again, the low rent Examiner thinks what the public really wants to hear is bad news about Miss Loretta Lynn.

Once again, I will let the rabbit speak for me.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Miss Elizabeth Taylor's secret lover tells all!

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 April 2011

Miss Elizabeth Taylor may be gone, but in the gossip rags she is not forgotten just yet. The Globe says they have information from a secret lover who will tell all. No identification of the coward is given on the cover, and I refuse to open these rags up except in the most dire situations, which does not include this one.

Kick a FRESH corpse, why don'tcha? Miss Elizabeth Taylor's tell all book!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 April 2011

You might think the gossip rags would lose interest in Miss Elizabeth Taylor now that she's dead, but that would be a miscalculation, especially with the Globe and the low rent Examiner, who revel in Hey Old Timer Gossip. The low rent Examiner says that Miss Taylor left behind that most valuable commodity in the gossip world, the tell all book. The main juicy tidbit from this alleged tome is that Miss Taylor had a secret gay love life.

If what they mean is gays secretly loved Liz Taylor, well... that's not really a secret, is it?