On the rocks alert: Jen betrayed!

Publication: Star
Date: 25 July 2011

Does there have to be a Jennifer Aniston story every single week? No, there isn't some contractual obligation or anything, but it sure seems like there is one anyway. This week Star claims an exclusive that Justin Theroux went and saw his ex recently.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Angelina targets Jen's new man.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Yet again, the supermarket rags want us to believe that making Jennifer Aniston's life a misery is Job One for Angelina Jolie, the hussy who stole Brad Pitt away all those years ago. "Jen's New Man" is mentioned in the headline, but Justin Theroux does not get artwork or even a mention by name, so I'm not giving him a label on this post.

If you read the gossip rags enough, you know that the focus is really on the women, and guys are just accessories for the most part.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Brad hurts Jen again!

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 July 2011

OK!, a magazine that usually goes for upbeat stories, has the headline "News alert! Brad hurts Jen again!" this week.

It's the "News Alert!" part that makes it comedy gold.

Love Bird Alert™ and hussy alert: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Star, In Touch
Date: 11 July 2011

Eventually, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux will be together long enough to have a nice picture of them together. As it stands, they are always being photobombed in one way or another. (The person you can see who seems to be annoying them is Jason Sudelkis.)

In any case, there are three stories in the supermaket rags about them this week. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen & Justin Romantic NYC weekend
• In Touch: Justin & Jen talking marriage
• Star: Justin & Jen: his jilted ex speaks out

Ah, the good old predictable Star. No punch bowl is complete unless there's a turd in it.

Love Bird Alert™: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

Jennifer Aniston's love life is still an evergreen story in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and now that they all agree she has a new fella, expect her to get cover stories all throughout the summer. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen's romance heats up
• OK!: Jen & Justin engagement news
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen: "I am not a home wrecker!"
• Us Weekly: How Jen stole her man
  They're wearing matching rings and he's moved in - Jen's falling hard and fast for Justin Theroux. But did she pull an Angelina to find her new love?

A couple notes. People avoids the homewrecker angle on the cover. They use the phrase "heats up" a lot. A few months back, George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis were "heating up", and you can see how much that means.

OK!, the magazine that jumps the gun in nearly every situation, already has them engaged. The other two are just being mean.

I said that Jen's love life is a favorite story in the gossip rags and obviously it is, but it's also obvious that she is interesting because her life brushed up against Angelina Jolie, the Most Interesting Woman In The World as far as the gossip industry is concerned. Us Weekly reminds us of this obvious fact in the headline, mentioning Angie when she is nowhere near this story.

Love Bird Alert™ with a side order of hairdresser: Jen and Justin move forward!

Publications: National Enquirer, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 27 June 2011

More stories about Jen and Justin. Us Weekly called them "Justifer" on their website. I pray to Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus that doesn't catch on. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Jen & Justin moving in!
• OK!: Jen & Justin: Moving too fast!
• National Enquirer: Jen discovers new boyfriend's gay secret
  

Do you notice a subtle difference in the editorial choices? I thought you might.

Love Bird Alert™: More about Justin and Jen!

Publications: In Touch, Star
Date: 20 June 2011

Right now, all the supermarket rags are in agreement that Jennifer Aniston is dating Justin Theroux. In Touch and Star both have headlines about America's favorite spinster.

• In Touch: Pal lashes out: "Jen's a homewrecker!"
• Star: Jen & Justin move in!

It is a slight surprise that the meaner story is in the magazine NOT part of the AMI kennel, but even in the supermarket rags there is a surprise every now and then.

Hussy alert: Jen stole her new man.

Publication: Star
Date: 13 June 2011

Lots of stories about Jennifer Aniston in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week and they all have a different slant. Star says she stole her new fella from some unidentified party. They don't name Justin Theroux by name, but he is the consensus pick for her new beau.

After all the guys who have been stolen from her, I say it's only fair she gets a turn, right?

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: What tore Jen and Courteney apart!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 13 June 2011

Back in April, there were several stories about Jennifer Aniston and Courteney Cox fighting over a guy named Josh Hopkins. Now, the gossip rags have Jen paired off with Justin Theroux, but Us Weekly wants us to know the short lived romance has spawned a long term rift between the two actresses who have known each other for about half their lifetimes.

Love Bird Alert™?: Jen and Brad's emotional reunion!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 13 June 2011

The supermarket rags never tire of America's favorite spinster, Jennifer Aniston. While most of the stories over the past few weeks have focused on her new fella Justin Theroux, In Touch spins a tale about the big fish that got away, Brad Pitt. Here are the headlines.

• Betraying Angelina, Brad pours his heart out to Jen on May 18
• Plus: the expensive gift he bought her and their plan to meet again
  
  

Love Bird Alert™: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, In Touch

Date: 6 June 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Welcome to gossip hell, Justin Theroux! He is Jennifer Aniston's co-star in the movie Wanderlust, set to be released this fall, and allegedly they are a couple.

Recall that Jennifer was also supposed to be a couple with Gerard Butler last year, her co-star in The Bounty Hunter.

In any case, here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Jen's new man: Trash collector!
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen and co-star Justin Theroux: "She's fantastic"

I'm pretty sure the In Touch headline is some play on words, but as usual I didn't open the magazine to check.

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, I should wish the happy couple all the best, but it's kind of like hoping Lucy will finally let Charlie Brown kick the football or really believing the Cubs are going to go all the way this year.

Adults shouldn't allow themselves to believe such silliness.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen's secret lover tells all!

Publication: Star
Date: 16 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Lots of stuff has happened in the world since the last time the supermarket rags came out, and there are stories about many of those events. But let's start the week with the story where nothing really happens and the gossip rags just make things up, Jennifer Aniston's love life.

There's a small picture of Jen and a guy named Brian. Looking online, she dated a guy named Brian Bouma about three years ago, but no gossip about them since, so it may not be the same Brian. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Star world exclusive interview
• She's having a baby!
• Why she waited so long
• How Brad changed her forever
  

This is not the first time the supermarket rags have told false stories about Jennifer Aniston's ovaries, so I can wait until the end of the year review when this story will be eight months old to figure out if this one is true or false.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen's falling for Bradley Cooper!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 9 May 2011

Jennifer Aniston and her stunningly bad luck with men is one of the stories the supermarket rags will never abandon. This week, In Touch has her head over heels for Bradley Cooper. Here are the headlines.

• Jen falls for Bradley: Yes, she's in love!
• From steamy texts to talks of their "future together", why friends fear Jen's moving too fast… again!

Both commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive and I have our somewhat exotic theories as to what has made Jen's love life a shambles, but maybe that second sentence explains the situation more simply.

She's really, really clingy and nobody likes that.

Love Bird Alert™: "It's on!" between Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper.

Publication: OK!
Date: 2 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Even if there is nothing real to report, the Only Ten Magazines That Matter keep coming back the same stories again and again, most especially Jennifer Aniston's completely up in the air love life and BrAngelina's tempestuous relationship.

OK!, the nicest if not the most reliable of the supermarket rags, tells us that "It's On!" between Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper.

The post just below this one from the headline from Us Weekly in the same news cycle tells a completely different story.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bradley disses Jen... again

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 2 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two stories about Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Aniston this week, but since they pull in completely opposite directions, I'm giving them separate posts.

If we are to believe Us Weekly, the 36 year old successful actor wants noting to do with the 42 year old spinster, regardless of how hot she looks in a bikini or how much her house is worth.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:How Courteney stole Jen's man!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 25 April 2011

Yet again, Jennifer Aniston is on the cover of a supermarket rag and, yet again, the story involves her love life.

Did you guess that it ends badly? Yes, I'm sure you did if you have been paying even the tiniest amount of attention. This appears to be a re-hash about the guy Courteney introduced to Jen then stole for herself.

If Kim Kardashian actually does get married, Jen will be all alone in the race for America's Spinster.

But that would be fitting, wouldn't it? Spinsters are supposed to be all alone.

On the rocks alert: Courteney double-crosses Jen!

Publications: Star, Us Weekly
Date: 18 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Two (slightly) different stories about Courteney Cox this week, with the twist being her old pal Jennifer Aniston is thrown into the mix in one version. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Courtney & her co-star: Secret Fling Exposed
• Star: Courtney Double-Cross
  dates co-star Josh Hopkins after she fixed him up with Jen

Welcome to gossip hell, Josh Hopkins! Is this really the level of guy who will come between best buds like Courteney and Jen?

Hmm, maybe. Neither of them is getting any younger.

Not a meanest story nominee: Jennifer Aniston breast cancer drama!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! It's no secret the gossip rags love Jennifer Aniston, but she hasn't had that many stories in the Enquirer or any of the other Three Wicked Step Sisters. The last time The Flagship mentioned her, she was supposed to be a fall down drunk. Now she's supposed to have breast cancer.

Or does she? The sub-headline reads "leading the fight against the deadly disease!", which makes you wonder if she has breast cancer or if someone she knows has breast cancer.

Here's a handy rule of thumb. If a story in the gossip rags has the word "drama" in it, it probably isn't the thing you thought they insinuated.

Love Bird Alert™: Jen wants Bradley back.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 11 April 2011

Just because America's favorite spinster Jennifer Aniston isn't actually seeing anyone and her most recent movie is now two months old and playing in just a handful of theaters is no reason she shouldn't be on the cover of a supermarket rag. In Touch tells us that she is pining for the charms of Bradley Cooper, the guy who just dumped Renee Zellweger.

While there is evidence the couple has met, including this telephoto lens shot form 2009, Cooper denied at the time that they were seeing each other.