Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Kim picks the dress.

Publication: OK!
Date: 1 August 2011

Kim Kardashian's upcoming wedding is the only story from that family the Only Ten Magazines That Matter are interested in right now. This cover is from the middle of March before the official announcement was given to People, when OK! said she would be wearing Vera Wang.

They also said the wedding would rival William and Kate's, but I think we all know that's far fetched.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: More trouble in paradise over Brad's mystery woman.

Publication: OK!
Date: 1 August 2011

OK! is following up on their story from two weeks ago that Brad Pitt is flirting with some woman on the set of World War Z, a movie he is filming in Malta. She is an assistant and not an actress and it's allegedly causing a kerfuffle. Even at the OK! website, she does not have a name. Here are the new headlines.

• Angie can't take it: Brad's mystery woman!
• Shocking new photos inside
• They flaunt their happiness in public
• What she did to win Brad's trust
• Why Brad can't stop seeing her
  

On the rocks alert: The J. Lo - Marc Anthony break-up takes center stage.

Publications: People, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Star, Us Weekly, National Enquirer
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Easily the biggest story of the week is the divorce of Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony with mentions on seven of ten supermarket rag covers. Here are the headlines.

• People: : J. Lo and Marc Anthony: Their marriage explodes
  The real story
  Their constant fighting
  rumors of infidelity
  jealousy issues
  what's next?
• OK!: J Lo's divorce shocker!
  Marc's been seeing his sexy ex-wife!
• In Touch: J. Lo's agony
  Marc's jealous rage
• Star: Inside J. Lo's bitter $250 million divorce
  Sexless nights
  Other women, other men
  Final screaming match
• Weekly Life & Style: $300 M divorce
  The cheating rumors that tore them apart
• Us Weekly: Cheating and Lies
  Her side of the story
  Marc caught with stewardess
  Screaming fights about flirting with costars
  A secret e-mail to Ben Affleck
  His desperate need to control her
• National Enquirer: J. Lo caught!
  Did this photo end their marriage?
  

Bells Done Rung™ Alert: The wedding of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 1 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo got married in a quiet little ceremony that will be aired of TLC, a cable outfit that used to be The Learning Channel. They have since learned that dumb reality TV shows do better than actual educational stuff, so they give us this. Here are the headlines.

• People: Nick & Vanessa's wedding photos
  (Only in People)
• Weekly Life & Style: Nick & Vanessa's beach wedding
• Us Weekly: Nick & Vanessa's private island Wedding
  
• OK!: Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married
  

OK! did not have any cover art, which is an odd decision because they are a cute couple.

Best wishes to all concerned.

OK! parties at Ciroc Cabana Club.

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Kellan Lutz! OK! boasts of "partying" at the Ciroc Cabana Club, a new hangout in the Hamptons.

I felt a little bad that I never heard of the place or the actor. This is because I am old.

Lutz has a role in the Twilight movies that requires him not to wear a shirt very much. He takes this role very seriously.

Bundle of Joy Alerts: A boy for Kate, a girl for Victoria

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Victoria Beckham had a baby girl, named her Harper Seven. This is her fourth child.

While she and her husband David Beckham are handsome people, I never thought they were good at maths. Fortunately, the silly name is a middle name and can be kept under wraps while at school.

Kate Hudson had a baby boy. Gave him the relatively normal name of Ryder Russell.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Problems With Plastic Alert: Mob Wives Renee's plastic surgery nightmare.

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Renee Graziano! The show Mob Wives has been mentioned a few times already this year, but usually no names are given on the cover. This time, Mob Wife Renee is identified by name, and it's another bad plastic surgery story, a common ailment of reality TV stars.

Bun in the oven alert™?: Reese looks pregnant!

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

OK!, the nicest of the supermarket checkout rags if not the most reliable, tells us little Reese Witherspoon looks pregnant. Here are the headlines.

• Breaking baby news
• First, a dream wedding - now Reese has another reason to celebrate!
  

I should remind my readers that if everything we read on the cover of OK! was true, we would know be hip deep in Kardashian rugrats.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Bride wars: Kim vs. Jess!

Publication: OK!
Date: 25 July 2011

Could we go a whole week Kardashian free in the The Only Ten Magazines That Matter? Well, it is technically possible, it's just damned rare. We got as close to zero as we can without actually being zero when there is just a half a story about Kim Kardashian having a "bride war".

The other combatant is Jessica Simpson, so it kinda counts like half a story for each.

On the rocks alert: Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green fighting to save their marriage.

Publication: OK!
Date: 18 July 2011

Megan Fox doesn't have any movies coming out this year and in general the gossip rags have ignored her this year since her marriage, so it's a little odd she has two completely different stories about her this week. While Star says she's a botox abuser, OK! says her marriage which is barely a year old is already in crisis and she and hubby Brian Austin Green are fighting to save it.

Quick tip: If you are fighting, it likely isn't the best way to save it.

Buns in the oven alert™: More babies for reality TV moms.

Publication: OK!
Date: 18 July 2011

Welcome back to gossip hell, Kourtney Kardashian! Kim has been the vast majority of Kardashian cover stories in the supermarket rags since she announced her wedding plans, but this week OK! tells us Kourtney is pregnant before her wedding with her second child.

This rumor has been floated many times. We'll see if this one pans out sometime in 2012.

OK! also says Kendra Wilkinson is pregnant with a girl. OK! is the nicest of the gossip rags, but they are not the most reliable.

Let's get the Teen Mom crap out of the way. Because there's a boat load this week.

Publications: In Touch, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If you have been to this blog before, you know how I feel about Teen Mom. It would be nearly impossible for me to be clearer, though I will take a shot at the end of this post. But at the beginning of the year, I promised that any story on the cover of any magazine that mentioned someone or made a verifiable (or falsifiable) prediction would get a mention on this blog.

About the only thing I leave out are health tips and horoscopes on the cover of the Sun.

So here are the headlines, three on the different mags and with three different Teen Moms in focus.

• In Touch: Teen Mom ruined our lives (pictures of Farrah Abraham and Maci Bookout)
  anorexia, addiction and abuse
  living on cigarettes and popcorn to lose weight
  downing pills to mask the pain
  "bribed" to stay on the show
• Us Weekly: I want Kyle's Baby (Maci Bookout)
• OK!: Leah: a new man and a new child

I know I shouldn't harp on this stuff or I will just give myself an aneurysm, but the "bribe" to stay on the show is that these stupid girls - and they are still girls - are being paid the princely sum of $280,000 a season to have their stupid lives turned into fish bowls.

That's an obscene amount of money to pay some little bimbo for the mistake of having a baby before she graduates high school. (And yes, Bristol Palin gets included in this tirade as well, even though MTV isn't paying her.) No defense MTV makes for this show carries a milligram of weight, and the gossip rags that keep printing this shit are equally as guilty.

In a world that makes sense, people wouldn't watch this crap and magazines wouldn't write about it.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: The Biggest Loser contestants Hannah and Olivia finally swimsuit thin.

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 July 2011

This cover is from last month when OK! gave the sisters Hannah and Olivia from The Biggest Loser most of the cover. This week, they say they are finally "swimsuit thin".

Good for them.

This week's drama from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 11 July 2011

The Real Housewives franchise always has a selection of women, but each season someone turns out to be Queen Bitch and gets all the tabloid headlines. In this season of the New Jersey story, it's Teresa Giudice. The Queen Bitch usually need an aggrieved adversary, and that role is being played by Melissa Gorga. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Baby boy for Teresa
  Pregnancy bombshell
  With her husband facing prison, she shares her bittersweet news
  crazy cravings and terrified of gaining 50 pounds again
  Her fears over raising 5 kids alone
  PLUS: the baby's name - revealed!
• Us Weekly: Melissa hurt by Teresa's lies
• OK! As husband Joe faces jail, Teresa pursues a new man

All the Bachelorette stuff for 11 July.

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, OK!, National Enquirer
Date: 11 July 2011

Four supermarket rags this week are covering The Bachelorette. The only surprise is the Enquirer, which doesn't pay that much attention to this particular show.
Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Bachelorette Ashley betrayed again!
  Still reeling from Bentley's cruel taunts, Ashley has her heart broken again as it's revealed her future fiance has a secret girlfriend back home.
  Heartthrobs turned heart breakers - Ames, J.P., Ryan
• In Touch: Ashley update: caught with J.P.
• National Enquirer: Ashley is a runaway bride
  
• OK!: Poor Ashley discovers she was being used for fame

Maybe I'm just naturally cruel, but I actually laughed at the OK! headline. What "fame" did Ashley have? Oh yeah, she was selected to be on reality TV, and paid a boatload of money to do it, so "poor" is not the best description of the young woman.

Getting the Teen Mom stuff out of the way for 11 July.

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 July 2011

Three Teen Mom stories this week, two about the failure named Amber Portwood and one about the relative success named Catelynn Lowell. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Losing Leah: After rehab, Amber fears she'll never see her baby again.
• In Touch: Amber's tears: "My baby doesn't know me"
• Weekly Life & Style: Teen Mom Catelynn: College, wedding and babies
  
  

Bun in the oven alert™?: Selena & Justin pregnancy rumors

Publication: OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

OK! prints a story about the rumors that Selena Gomez' recent hospital visit might have been due to pregnancy. I have not seen the official denials online yet.

Pippa Exclusive! "The truth about my love life."

Publication: OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

This Sunday, we get all the British gossip out of the way. OK!, the American version of a much more successful British gossip rag, continues with the idea that Americans can't get enough info about Kate Middleton's sister Pippa's love life.

Love Bird Alert™: More about Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux.

Publications: People, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 4 July 2011

Jennifer Aniston's love life is still an evergreen story in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and now that they all agree she has a new fella, expect her to get cover stories all throughout the summer. Here are the headlines.

• People: Jen's romance heats up
• OK!: Jen & Justin engagement news
  
• Weekly Life & Style: Jen: "I am not a home wrecker!"
• Us Weekly: How Jen stole her man
  They're wearing matching rings and he's moved in - Jen's falling hard and fast for Justin Theroux. But did she pull an Angelina to find her new love?

A couple notes. People avoids the homewrecker angle on the cover. They use the phrase "heats up" a lot. A few months back, George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis were "heating up", and you can see how much that means.

OK!, the magazine that jumps the gun in nearly every situation, already has them engaged. The other two are just being mean.

I said that Jen's love life is a favorite story in the gossip rags and obviously it is, but it's also obvious that she is interesting because her life brushed up against Angelina Jolie, the Most Interesting Woman In The World as far as the gossip industry is concerned. Us Weekly reminds us of this obvious fact in the headline, mentioning Angie when she is nowhere near this story.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: More stories about Kim the Bridezilla.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 4 July 2011

Two stories about bride to be Kim Kardashian this week. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's $177,000 registry
• OK! Bigger than the Royals!
  Kim's $10 Million wedding
  The breathtaking gown, the stunning jewels and the surprise no one expected!
  "I've always dreamed of a big wedding"

Point of order. A $10 million wedding is a huge capital outlay, but no way in hell will it match what Wills'N'Kate did.

Just sayin'.