Friday, June 17, 2011

Jurassic Park 4

First, let's get the obvious out of the way. Jurassic Park IV will be terrible. All the signs are there. Michael Crichton is dead. Stan Winston is dead. The last time Steven Spielberg waited this long to revive one of his franchises, he ended up blowing Harrison Ford across the sky in a fridge. The portents are not good. In an ideal world Jurassic Park would be extinct, once and for all.

But that obviously isn't going to happen. Every couple of years, a sliver of information will emerge to suggest that Jurassic Park IV is still inexplicably a going concern for some people. And that's precisely the case now. According to reports, Steven Spielberg has been holding meetings with scriptwriter Mark Protosevich – of Thor and I Am Legendfame – to brainstorm ideas for a brand new Jurassic Park trilogy.

Whether these meetings result in anything tangible or not, it's clear that Jurassic Park IV will happen at some point. But it's early days, so this is the perfect opportunity for us to step in and dictate terms to Spielberg and Protosevich. If you've ever been the parent of a teenager on the verge of becoming sexually active, you'll know this position well; they're about to do something you have no power to stop, and the best you can do is try to steer them away from anything too dangerous or regrettable. Thus, for the benefit of Steven Spielberg and Mark Protosevich, we're going to crowdsource the best possible Jurassic Park IV plot.

To do this, we'll need to break the film down into its constituent parts. First: which characters from the previous instalments should return? Ideally we'd get Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum back, but perhaps you have other ideas. Perhaps you liked Julianne Moore's character in The Lost World (Jurassic Park II) or William H Macy's inJurassic Park III. What about Vince Vaughn? He had a small part in the second film; perhaps he can come back as a wisecracking schlub, or Father Christmas's brother or something.

Next, the dinosaurs. Which ones would you like to see in Jurassic Park IV? A greatest hits package of velociraptors, T rexes and those little ones with the flaring necks who spit goo at fat people? A new dinosaur, such as a rajasaurus or a horned carnotaurus? What about a sea dinosaur – a dakosaurus, for instance?

We'll need a gimmick too. To recap, the gimmick of Jurassic Park was that there were dinosaurs, the gimmick of Jurassic Park II was that one of them had made it to the mainland and the gimmick of Jurassic Park III was that some of them could fly. There was briefly talk that Jurassic Park IV would feature dinosaurs that could operate guns, but that sadly seems to have fallen by the wayside. So what else could we use? Talking dinosaurs? Robot dinosaurs? Dinosaurs bred to fight the mega sharks and giant octopuses that The Asylum keeps inventing?

Finally – and perhaps most importantly – there needs to be a scene where the dinosaurs are temporarily defeated by a child with a specific skill, be it an encyclopedic knowledge of dinosaurs (Jurassic Park) orOlympic-level gymnastic ability(Jurassic Park II). How can we insert something like this into Jurassic Park IV? Personally I'm keen on seeing a kid nail a raptor in the eye with a yo-yo, but I'm equally open to the prospect of a child confounding a T rex by beating it at badminton. Any other ideas?

Remember, this is the perfect opportunity to make a suggestion. The film is in no way fully formed yet, so your opinions hold more power than they ever will. Together, we can make Jurassic Park IV into the aquatic Vince Vaughn badminton movie we've always dreamed of.

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